Authenticity can easily turn into emotional volatility if it isn't balanced with emotional safety and healthy communication skills.
Client asked me:
"Isn't it healthy to be authentic the way I was with [him/her]?"
Here’s what I believe:
Yes, authenticity is essential. But if your version of authenticity causes others to lose trust in you, to feel it's safer to distance themselves rather than come closer, then the authenticity is out of balance. (Even more so when authenticity is just a cover for criticism & covert blame)
Being authentic doesn’t mean saying everything that’s on your mind or heart in any way you choose. Emotionally healthy communication is about connection. It’s about helping someone understand you, and to feel with you. If your words create disconnection, distance or fear, then they’re not aligned with the values of emotionally healthy connection.
Many people are learning to share their truth and speak up more openly. That's important works and it matters. But there's a deeper level to that work: learning how to share truth and share feelings in a way that’s emotionally regulated, clear, and safe. That's where the deeper intimacy begins.
Some say, "It’s not your responsibility how others receive your words.” Sure, there’s some truth there. But that idea, taken too far, becomes destructive. If you don't care how your partner receives your truth, if you refuse to take any responsibility for the impact of your communication, you will never build emotional safety. And without emotional safety, there is no relationship. Just two people defending their truth, alone yet in the same room.
If this resonates and you'd like to go deeper into this kind of work, you’re welcome to check out one of my webinars on this topic, or reach out about working together 1:1. You can do that here: https://linktr.ee/SerdarHararovich
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The Relationship Lies Sold To Women
One of the biggest lies sold to women, is that basically she just needs to find the right "Masculine Man" who can "hold space" for her.
It's a lie designed to manipulate women, especially women who experienced childhood emotional neglect. Here's how:
When we miss out on certain experiences in childhood, we tend to feel a disproportionate need for them in our adult relationships. In some cases, it's the need for a perfectly soothing & space-holding partner, who's capable of putting aside all their own feelings for you - no matter how you're behaving or communicating.
The problem is, this doesn't exist in healthy adult relationships. The way you communicate with someone ALWAYS has an effect on them. Men are not robots. An emotionally healthy adult male is not one who taught himself how to disassociate while his partner regresses into unhealthy styles of communicating - no matter how many polarity workshops he's done.
The perfectly soothing & space-holding is an experience that you're supposed to receive through a therapist or attachment-informed coach. Everyone deserves to experience the profound healing that happens through this kind of process. The healing power of these corrective experiences is why I do what I do.
However, unless you receive that very important & healing 'corrective experience' in a therapeutic setting, there's always going to be a part of you hoping that your PARTNER will be the PARENT you never had.
The things we missed out in childhood don't go away... they either get channelled into a healthy, intentional healing process - or they become the wounds and shadows sabotaging our relationships.
It'll never be said out-loud - it'll simply be a dynamic that keeps playing out in your relationships. "I want you to be the parent I never had... why aren't you putting aside all your own needs and feelings and being the person you never agreed to be for me?"
This is the unconscious power struggle playing out in many relationship conflicts right now.
The reality is this:
Without developing your own emotional regulation skills through a therapeutic process, no matter how emotionally safe your partner actually is, you will not feel safe. Your dysregulation - and the flow-on effects of that, through your actions and reactions - will damage the emotional safety of the relationship. You will both spiral into destructive co-dysregulation, rather than co-regulation.
This will happen even if your partner is a professional space holder. If you speak to your partner FROM your triggers, you will eventually end up sabotaging the relationship. This is not intentional, but it is happening in countless connections around the world.
Adults cannot co-regulate with each other unless BOTH of them have some degree of emotional regulation skills - not just one of them.
This goes for BOTH men & women.
The most fundamental version of emotional regulation is being able to pause before speaking. That means responding, instead of reacting, to a trigger.
Responding to a trigger means learning how to speak ABOUT the trigger, rather than FROM the trigger. An example of that would be to say something like "I'm noticing I'm feeling really impacted by this... I think I need a moment to catch my breath..."
This is the most simple version of emotional regulation. Although it sounds simple, it takes a LOT of practice in a safe therapeutic setting for a person to be able to embody this skill in the moments where it matters the most. I have had clients who are therapists with many years of experience, who are still working at building their ability to do this in the more challenging moments.
There are more advanced levels of it, but this is the beginning.
Without this skill, you could meet the most secure, emotionally healthy individual you've ever met, but the unhealed wounds of the past will likely end up sabotaging it.
The wounded teachings and the fantasy version of relationships being sold to individuals is damaging people's chances of healthy love.
It's important to say these words are not intended to be discouraging, nor chastising or shaming.
Instead, this is a reminder - a reminder of the importance of genuine healing work. That real healing is a thing, that there's nothing more worth it, but it takes time, commitment, and consistency, not one-off healing sessions, psychedelic journeys and breathwork retreats.
Developing healthy, secure relationship skills is the humble work people are doing in the background - the thing that doesn't get attention online, but is leading them to the most fulfulling relationships of their lives. Just read any of the testimonials or emails I've received from my clients recently.
This is a reminder that most of what you see online is all show, a distraction designed to capture your attention. Whether that's the fantasy of Polarity teachings, "tradwife" trends or whatever else will become the new thing in 2025.
This is a reminder that society doesn't care whether we ever learn these skills. It's happy for us to keep being distracted by whatever next comes along. The less happy a person is - the less they are able to find and keep healthy connections in their life - the more likely that person is to remain stuck in endless cycles of distraction & instant gratification that makes it even harder for them to get the support they need. It's a vicious cycle.
The cultures of distraction we live in don't care if you ever learn the deeper skills of true intimacy. You need to be the one who cares. The one with enough self-honouring boundaries to take action to prioritise this area of your life.
One of the very few who stopped scrolling, and started healing.
***
For those who would like to be supported in this process, there are several options:
- 1:1 Coaching - Booking Link & Testimonials: https://serdarhararovich.com/testimonials
- Opening to Love - 7 Weeks to Relational Mastery & Secure Relating (Group Training program): https://serdarhararovich.com/openingtolove
- Serdar Hararovich
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"The amount we trust others, is the amount we trust ourselves to recover if they disappoint" – Unknown Author
When we understand this idea, we start to see the importance of not just asking "Is this person trustworthy?" - which clearly is important - to these questions as well:
- How comfortable am I with dealing with the inevitable disappointments of life?
- Can I accept pain and suffering as the eternal risk of love?
- Can I consciously ask for what I need to feel safe - instead of unconsciously testing people, thereby creating self-fulfulling prophecies?
- How much of my own responsibility do I hand to others to make me feel safe?
- How much time am I investing in learning effective skills to navigate the challenges of deep intimacy?
- What is my relationship to my fear & anxiety like? Do I try to suppress it, ignore it, and then react FROM it with blame or control?
- How is me focusing on others - and how avoidant and unavailable they are - distracting me from doing my own inner work?
- Do I blame others when things go wrong in my relationships - or do I take ownership of my experiences in relationships?
Our long-term happiness is based on the closeness, security and safety of our relationships with others. The energy we invest in mastering this aspect of our lives should match it's profound significance.
Don't let spiritual bypass, wounded influencers, and misleading marketing lead you to believe that unhealed relational wounds and lacking skillsets won't matter, as long you meet the "right" person.
Relational wounds - and a missing skillset for navigating dififcult issues in relationships - will undermine and often sabotage intimacy with even the most ideal partner.
That's the reality a person must confront in order to experience true intimacy, and to truly develop into their most emotionally mature, secure self.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
All relationship challenges are an opportunity for growth & healing - whether it's internal or relational. When we experience these challenges, we are invited to cross the thresholds of vulnerability and humility - to ask for help from those who can truly assist us.
In ancient times, we didn't turn to friends for this kind of guidance. We sought wise counsel from someone whose sacred role was to help individuals face such trials - not just for themselves, but for the well-being of the tribe.
In the modern age, human beings have lost the ability to cross this threshold. We don't even know it exists because we have lost almost all meaningful guidance. We turn to the socials, and then wonder why our patterns continue for years, if not decades. We've lost the courage to ask for help from those who can actually help, and we've lost the discernment to know the difference between real guides and performative gurus. We passively absorb the ideas of emotionally disturbed individuals, who's unprocessed wounding is passed off as empowerment.
Instead of wise counsel, we have been taught how to demonise other people as the real problem. We've been taught conscious-sounding language that disguises the shadows we aren't willing to face. We've been taught how to build our spiritual ego of superiority, but not how to be honest with ourselves. We've been taught to call out other people's projections, but remain blind to our own.
This is why, when relationships break apart, that process is becoming more toxic than ever.
Yet all hope is not lost.
Awareness, acceptance, and the humility of self-honesty is the beginning of healing. Many people are starting to choose the path of vulnerability & humility and beginning to experience the depths of true intimacy - a deeper kind of love & connection that our culture doesn't prepare anyone for.
The majority of people will keep choosing denial and blame, because it's easier than facing the hard yet sacred work of learning how to love well. But this is not inevitable - it's still a choice every individual gets to make. And in a world that continues to slide down the path to deeper disconnection, animosity and surface-level healing, it may be one of the most important choices you ever make.
This is the work of deeper healing. To not only seek comfort and soothing (which we do also need), but to avoid the trap of surrounding ourselves with enablers of our shadows. To seek those who can hold our blind spots without judgment, and guide us with compassion and clarity towards depths of healing, and of love, that are only available to those who have crossed these thresholds.
This is what we lost. But it's also what we can reclaim. The initiations of true intimacy are waiting.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
Serdar Hararovich
Client asked me:
"Isn't it healthy to be authentic the way I was with [him/her]?"
Here’s what I believe:
Yes, authenticity is essential. But if your version of authenticity causes others to lose trust in you, to feel it's safer to distance themselves rather than come closer, then the authenticity is out of balance. (Even more so when authenticity is just a cover for criticism & covert blame)
Being authentic doesn’t mean saying everything that’s on your mind or heart in any way you choose. Emotionally healthy communication is about connection. It’s about helping someone understand you, and to feel with you. If your words create disconnection, distance or fear, then they’re not aligned with the values of emotionally healthy connection.
Many people are learning to share their truth and speak up more openly. That's important works and it matters. But there's a deeper level to that work: learning how to share truth and share feelings in a way that’s emotionally regulated, clear, and safe. That's where the deeper intimacy begins.
Some say, "It’s not your responsibility how others receive your words.” Sure, there’s some truth there. But that idea, taken too far, becomes destructive. If you don't care how your partner receives your truth, if you refuse to take any responsibility for the impact of your communication, you will never build emotional safety. And without emotional safety, there is no relationship. Just two people defending their truth, alone yet in the same room.
If this resonates and you'd like to go deeper into this kind of work, you’re welcome to check out one of my webinars on this topic, or reach out about working together 1:1. You can do that here: https://linktr.ee/SerdarHararovich
---
I don't know who needs to hear this, but the Securely Attached partner you're desiring is not frequenting cuddle puddles, play parties and tantric orgies.
Author
Serdar Hararovich
Humour aside (yes it's spelt "humour" in Australia), like everything in life, there are obviously exceptions and nuances to this. Don't take this post as invalidating your personal experiences nor of the value of these spaces.
However, the overall message is that Securely Attached people prioritise consistent, reliable, safe & secure relationships and connections with others.
They generally like to go deeper with one or a few, rather than having fleeting experiences with many.
Yet people in the self-development world are often carrying unhealed attachment wounds that makes it difficult to form stable, secure, fulfilling and lasting attachment bonds. This is not a judgement, it's just a reason why Securely Attached individuals tend to be the minority in these kinds of spaces.
This is not about monogamy VS non monogamy either.
And I say all this as someone who is friends with many in these communities, am involved indirectly, and work with many individuals in them. And hey, I'm sure I'll still end up in another cuddle puddle or a play party at some point (if I'm not banned after this post)
Bigger picture - the self-development world - & neo tantra included - has origins in ideas that have often been actively hostile to the idea of security and secure relationships.
These communities are slowly moving away from saying that "safety is just an illusion", but that was still happening only a few years ago, and is probably still happening in some spaces.
Things are starting to change in some quarters (thanks to growing education on attachment, and thanks to people who were willing to speak up), but in the overall culture, the seeds of those ideas are still there.
- "everything is a projection/mirror" (It's not)
- "you need to be whole in yourself" (that's not how secure attachment works)
- "that's just a judgement" (not every observation is a judgement)
- "jealousy [the very natural human emotion that comes from healthy attachment, not the unhealthy & controlling version of it] means you're living in fear" (it doesn't mean that at all)
All these ideas are the opposite of Secure Attachment, and can lead to the perpetuation of insecure relating.
There will always be a place for these kinds of events depending on one's life stage and desires.
But as I say in another comment, if you're desiring and ready for more secure, more emotional available relationships, and these spaces haven't worked for you, this post is an invitation for something new.
If you want to meet secure people who align with your values, or become more secure yourself so you can more easily align with them, it's helpful to talk to individuals who are Securely Attached who can help. That's part of what I do with people.
Many of my female clients are now in the healthiest and most nourishing relationship they've ever been in.
They all had one thing in common: They had the humility, and courage, to ask for help from me, a man.
This is often one of the most challenging, yet powerful steps a woman can take - to feel safe enough to work with a man, which is a big deal.
And most importantly, to have enough discernment to pick one that can actually help - who isn't just going to feed you even more of the spiritual bypass & spiritual gaslighting out there that has nothing to do with the practical, tangible work involved in becoming Securely Attached and attracting other Securely Attached partners.
This is the work I do, this is what I have seen change people's lives, and this is why I continue to speak up even when it's confronting to hear.
I have a variety of resources you can access at this link, and I'm also offering a free discovery call for those who feel called to go deeper: https://linktr.ee/SerdarHararovich
****
Bonus nuances for people who like that kind of thing:
Let me put it another way: If you desire a secure partner & emotionally available partner, and you've tried and struggled to find them in these and similar spaces, it might be time to consider a different approach.
I've worked with many clients who needed a new approach to love, and we all need a reminder that there are other approaches sometimes. Sometimes people need more cuddle puddles in their life, and sometimes they need less.
Here's what I didn't say:
- Non-monogamy is bad
- Cuddle puddles & neo-tantra are yuck
- Securely people have never been to such events
- Nobody has ever met their partner at such events
- That there is no other value in such events.
The Secure Way is to be curious and enter into a dialogue, not to twist people's words and attack them based on one's misunderstandings.
Differentiating 'what was said' from 'what I made it mean' is a really powerful skill in Secure Attachment.
If nothing else, I hope this reminds people of the importance of the deeper work - the work of embodying secure attachment, no matter what spaces we choose to show up in, whether it's a cuddle puddle or the comments section of an online post.
---
When a woman has an attitude of sitting back to see if a man will prove himself worthy, often what she herself is NOT doing is showing up wholeheartedly and with vulnerability. This passive approach means he will not pass her tests - instead, he will end up re-confirming her belief that he's not the one, or that men always disappoint her - because an emotionally healthy man won't feel inspired to step up in the way she's desiring while his partner is withholding love and vulnerability.
Vulnerability is not the same thing as sharing your projections and feelings with zero filter when triggered - that is literally the OPPOSITE of true vulnerability.
Vulnerability is about digging deeper into your heart - deeper than protective emotions like anger, righteousness, and blame - and sharing the deeper truth, which will often feel terrifying to share with a man. This takes a certain skillset of self-inquiry to be able to discover, and even more, it takes an immense amount of healing your relationship with men to be able to share. (Not healing your relationship with your "inner masculine", or some other abstract concept that has nothing to do with how you communicate with men in romantic relationships)
Deep intimacy is the practice of mutual vulnerability, and of being willing to go first. Yes, mutual means that men also need to learn this skill. It's the practice, and the art, of not waiting to see what someone else does before you are willing to take that risk.
That means no more "I'll show up wholeheartedly, once he....." or "I'll be present, when she......". No more "If he was a real man, he would...".
This is why no amount of healing, polarity, or tantra work will change old relational patterns when an individual isn't learning and also practicing how to create enough safety in one's nervous system to be truly vulnerable like this. This is deep work - a depth that very few have ever experienced, yet it is absolutely liberating once you do experience it.
To be liberated from the cage of adversarial relating, of relating to each other from one's protective emotions, so that love can finally flourish - there's nothing that compares. There's nothing that compares to what that kind of soulful love feels like.
True vulnerability - the kind that makes you tremble with fear - is the price of love.
No matter what a person believes about themselves, or about dating - how much work they believe they've done, how it's all about other people not being on their level - this enduring truth is the invisible force shaping both men & women's experience of love. Your love life is a direct reflection of how much you can accept & embody this truth about true intimacy.
How much you were willing to stop blaming others - whether men or women - and take responsibility for your experience of love, and begin cultivating the art of deeper vulnerability.
Words by Serdar Hararovich
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You can only have a more emotionally intimate & emotionally safe relationship with men, if you get curious about the ways in which you may be unintentionally damaging the emotional safety of your relationships with men.
Author
Serdar Hararovich
PLEASE NOTE: Yes, this also applies to men. As I always say, emotional safety is a co-creation. A woman never wants her partner to feel emotionally unsafe. It's just that she often doesn't realise the small and big things that often contribute to him not feeling like he can be real with her, to open his heart to her fully, to have open conversations, to talk about hard things, or to be in a committed partnership with her.
Focusing on emotional safety has led to many of my female clients finding the most fulfulling, deeply intimate, and loving relationship they've ever experienced with a man. When a man feels emotionally safe with you (something that is rare for a lot of men) - you will experience depths of love, care and provision that you never imagined were possible in a relationship.
On the other hand, when he feels emotionally unsafe, he'll start to get avoidant and distant. You will not feel seen and heard. Instability & insecurity are common.
Let's be clear: This is not about blame. Men are not to blame, and women are not blame. We are simply impacting each other in deep ways. And we can either get humble and curious about how we are impacting each other and take self-responsibility for that - or we can get entitled and say "I already did the work, other people (men or women) are the real problem."
I teach both men & women how to take ownership of how they are impacting others and learn new skills, so that they can experience a completely new depth of love & intimacy.
So, if this is a dynamic that may be impacting your relationships, you have options. You can believe that it's other people's fault, and you just need to meet the right man or woman and all of these issues will magically go away. Unfortunately, I can't help people stuck in that mindset.
Or, you can do what my clients did - be courageous, take action and choose to learn the skills of co-creating deep emotional safety for both yourself AND your partner to experience true intimacy and lasting love.
I do this work with individuals both 1:1 and in my program, Conscious Relating Mastery, where it's about truly embodying these skills in a realistic & lasting way. The experiences people are having as a result of this work are profound.
If you have any doubt that this approach works, feel free to read the testimonials, or learn more here: https://serdarhararovich.com/mastery
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SECURE vs INSECURE Attachment - Beliefs & Attitudes
INSECURE Attachment: It's my partner's job to make me feel emotionally safe and secure. If they don't do that, then I deserve better.
- SECURE Attachment: It's MY job to communicate about what I need to feel emotionally safe and secure. It's also my job to show up in emotionally safe ways. I know that if I communicate in unhealthy ways - if I speak from my triggers - it will damage the emotional safety of the relationship and neither I, nor my partner, will feel safe.
Therefore, I take responsibility by communicating openly and lovingly, in secure ways that I've chosen to learn and practice. If I do this consistently over time - yet I still don't feel emotionally safe and secure - then yes, absolutely I deserve better.
INSECURE Attachment: If my partner does X, it means they don't care about me enough.
- SECURE Attachment: If my partner does X, then it could be for many reasons. It could be that they are tired or feeling overwhelmed. I'm able to see all the other ways that my partner cares for me, so that single incidents don't need to become big disconnects. If it's an ongoing thing, I can talk to them about it.
INSECURE Attachment: If I have to mention it or talk about it, then what's the point? It should come authentically if they really wanted to do it. "Let people show you who they are", after all.
- SECURE Attachment: I recognise that if I want my partner to understand how to love me well, I know that I actually need to communicate openly and lovingly, without pressure, without impatience and without ultimatums. Being willing to do this, even when it's hard, is what makes me emotionally available.
INSECURE Attachment: I believe that I am emotionally available because I truly desire love and closeness. It's just that I can't find the right person.
- SECURE Attachment: I KNOW that I am emotionally available because not only do I desire love and closeness, but I've ALSO committed myself to learning the skills of secure attachment - rather than believing that I just have to meet the right person. This enables me to not just FIND the right person - but to BE the kind of partner who other Secure individuals want to be with.
INSECURE Attachment: If they don't message or call me constantly, they must be Avoidant. I deserve better.
- SECURE Attachment: I don't need constant messaging or calling to feel Secure. A balanced level of interest and contact is a positive sign of a Secure partner. I can take things slow without spiralling into negative thoughts or assumptions about the other person.
INSECURE Attachment: It should just be simple and easy. If I have to deal with frustration, difficult feelings, insecurity, doubts etc, then I'll just say "next" and move onto someone else. I just want to be in the honeymoon phase all the time.
- SECURE Attachment: I know that relationships are not always easy and simple. Yet by learning the skills of secure attachment, they become much more easeful and harmonious.
Now I can navigate frustration, difficult feelings, insecurity and doubts in ways that actually create more intimacy and closeness, rather than having to say "next" on everyone. This is the meaning of Secure Attachment and true intimacy - far deeper than the honeymoon phase.
***
Please note: There's no shame in Insecure Attachment. Everyone can become Secure. However, it takes sincere work and commitment through an Attachment-based healing process. The willingness to reach out for help is the beginning of a new way of relating.
Denial, projecting blame onto others, believing one is already Secure - these are the factors that lead individuals to avoid the work required, and therefore remain Insecurely Attached and experiencing insecure relationships on repeat, sometimes for decades.
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How Anxious-Attachment Impacts Dating & Relationships
1. You unconsciously pick Avoidant partners who can’t meet your needs, and then you focus on the ways they aren’t meeting your needs.
Then, the way you communicate about your unmet needs - as a result of emotional dysregulation and attachment distress - leads your partner to people-please you temporarily.
However, they start to feel emotionally unsafe with you, meaning they start to keep an emotional distance from you.
Ultimately, this leads to even more disconnect and an even less fulfilling relationship for you, steadily getting worse over time.
2. You pick a partner who sweeps you off your feet at the beginning, thinking “finally, someone who can meet my needs”, not realising that the level of intensity is unsustainable.
Eventually, the connection starts to change because that level of connection was not sustainable to begin with. The intensity fades, and the changes in the connection activate your attachment distress. You feel confused and alarmed. “We were so connected, now they’re losing interest?”.
Once the honeymoon is over, all kinds of issues begin.
A misinformed coach or friend might tell you that you’ve been manipulated by a Narcissist. That might be true in very rare cases, but it’s not what is happening in most cases. Interpreting people's actions in such black & white terms is a symptom of Insecure Attachment.
In most cases, what's happening is that your dominant Anxious side means that you aren’t energetically attracted to Securely Attached individuals. They make you feel uncomfortable with their steady and grounded pacing. You might even project Avoidant Attachment onto them.
Instead, the Anxious part of you picked someone who gave it the instant connection and intimacy it needed to feel secure temporarily, even though it doesn’t last.
***
It’s important to recognise Anxious Attachment is only a part of you, not who you are. You can integrate the Anxious part of you into the Secure part of you and align with more emotionally healthy individuals and Securely Attached people. This is the process of Becoming Securely Attached at a deeper, preverbal level.
One of the biggest challenges for Anxious individuals is when they blame other people for their dating & relationship issues. They might blame Avoidants, or they might blame men or women in general.
This is why people can know a lot about attachment, but aren’t healing. Healing begins with taking responsibility for our own patterns. This can be difficult when a person is part of online echo chambers that constantly give us convenient scapegoats to blame our personal challenges on.
Taking responsibility is not about self-blame or shame. It’s the sober acknowledgment of saying “I am the common denominator in my dating & relationship patterns, and it’s time to take my power back from the power I’ve given to others. I can create a positive change in my life, and I’m ready for a new way of dating and relating.”
- Serdar Hararovich
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"Just find a Secure Partner" is setting people up to fail. Until you BECOME a Secure partner, your nervous system will unintentionally sabotage any relationship with emotionally healthy partners.
Author
Serdar Hararovich
There are multiple ways this happens:
- If you take an conscious or unconscious stance of 'someone needs to prove themselves to me', you'll find people who are good at proving themselves, until that stage of the connection is over and then they stop putting on a mask.
When their true self comes out, you'll think "I knew it, people aren't trustworthy", and then you'll adopt the same stance again with a new person, not realising that your original approach is the problem in the first place.
This is called Behavioural Confirmation, which basically means that your actions are actually creating the outcomes that you're trying to avoid.
- If you act mistrustful towards someone at first, asking interrogative questions to 'test' them, they will often act cold, shutdown and aloof (which are healthy boundaries towards this behaviour), creating even more mistrust for you. You'll think 'I knew they were no good', not realising your original attitude towards them is what created the outcome. This is another example of Behavioural Confirmation that millions of people unintentionally are playing out in their dating lives.
- Additionally, if you wait to meet someone who is Secure, but you are not Secure yet, you won't know what Secure looks like and feels like. When you meet someone who is Secure, you might project Avoidant Attachment onto them because their grounded & balanced approach brings up too much stress & anxiety for you.
For e.g., you are not sure if they like you enough, and some wounded online coach said that if you have any doubt at all, then they're not right for you. Now you're projecting even worse things onto them, creating worst-case scenarios that ultimately sabotage the relationship.
You might then instead fall in love with an actual Avoidant who's lovebombing you, only for things to change radically after the honeymoon phase. Then you go back to Example 1 (Mistrust), creating all these same outcomes once again.
***
These are only a few ways that focusing on whether someone ELSE is Secure - rather than on actually Becoming Secure - will sabotage love. There are many others.
These are not hypotheticals, these are the experiences that many of the people I work with were having countless times before we started working together.
Healing and overcoming these patterns begins with your relationship to yourself, and becoming Secure on a preverbal level. Without that, sadly, these patterns will only keep continuing in many different variations, usually for many years. The tragic thing is that human beings get used to it - they get used to suffering, loneliness, and dysfunctional patterns. It doesn't matter how deep the pain is, if it's happened long enough, a person will feel like it's better to manage it and cope with it rather than heal.
To heal, a person has to do the most rare and unlikely of things - to say "I don't want to get used to this anymore."
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HOW TO CREATE A SECURE RELATIONSHIP
Spiritual Bypass tells us that fears & insecurities are personal failures that you need to overcome. You will ruin your relationships with them. You must do your best to avoid ever bringing them into a connection so you don't bother the other person. You shouldn't need reassurance - you need to be "whole" within yourself.
What's the reality?
This approach to relationships is the reason why so many connections and relationships are so unstable, insecure and even re-traumatising. It's the reason so many are struggling out there.
All human beings have fears, doubts and insecurities - and these will become stronger the more you go deeper with someone.
THE SECURE COUPLE
Securely Attached individuals will openly talk about these fears, doubts and insecurities, in a self-responsible manner.
They take ownership of them, asking for reassurance when the fears become strong.
They say things like "I've been having a mental narrative that you don't care about me, because of..... But I know from experience these kinds of thoughts aren't always true, even though it's been really impacting me. Is there anything you can share that could help me with this feeling? That would feel really supportive."
The Securely Attached person reflects on what kind of reassurance they need, and they ask for it in a collaborative and loving way - never in an impatient or accusatory way.
Their securely attached partner responds with patience and reassurance, and also asks for reassurance when they need it.
They welcome and encourage each other to continue sharing their inner experiences openly.
This is how they co-create deep levels of emotional safety and security for both themselves AND each other.
Eventually, the need for reassurance reduces over the months and years ahead, as they have successfully formed a secure relationship.
However, they will still need to reassure each other in order to preserve and nurture the deep bond they have formed.
THE INSECURE COUPLE
Meanwhile, the insecurely attached individual or couple behave very differently.
They often create roles for each other - 'The One Who Needs Too Much From Me', and 'The One Who Never Gives Me Enough'.
They might make the fears & insecurities of their partner feel unwelcome, making them even stronger.
Individually, they may try to repress their own fears, doubts and insecurities and process them separately. Or they may share them with friends who amplify those fears and doubts as a result of their own wounds and projections.
When fears, doubts or insecurities DO come bubbling to the surface in the relationship, they often come out in blaming or angry ways. They come out as projections, assumptions, complaints or criticisms that damage the emotional safety of the relationship.
They are then responded to in defensive or dismissive ways.
What could have been a challenge to overcome together, spirals into a 'me against you' dynamic.
THE HEALING APPROACH
Insecurity, fear and doubt in a relationship is a RELATIONAL issue, not merely a PERSONAL issue.
Securely Attached individuals and couples approach insecurity, doubts and fears in a collaborative manner, just as they approach every other issue.
Both partners must learn how to talk about their needs, desires, fears, doubts and insecurities in healthy, effective, and non-critical ways that don't generate defensiveness in others. This is a crucial yet missing skill for most people.
They must learn how to identify what kind of reassurance they need, and how to ask for that, so that they can receive the exact reassurance needed. The need for constant reassurance stems from not asking for the RIGHT kind of reassurance.
Both partners must also learn how to respond to their partner consistently with patience, warmth and effective reassurance.
Without these skills - from BOTH individuals - Secure Attachment cannot develop between them.
You will not learn these skills from the same coaches who are teaching people how to spiritually bypass their fears, doubts and insecurities.
You will likewise not learn these skills from the same people teaching that emotional safety and security is something that your partner is supposed to give to you.
You will not learn these skills if you have been led to believe that the real problem is other people, and you just need to meet the right person.
You will not learn these skills by simply reading, learning more about secure attachment, or consuming more information.
This tendency to acquire more and more information is why so many people are struggling to find + keep healthy love.
Secure Attachment - and the skills of secure attachment - require a very specific process of preverbal attachment healing work, and the somatic + practical integration of that work. This is the work I did over 6 years, and what I now offer others within 6 months.
And if you do choose to do this work and learn the skills of secure attachment and true intimacy?
You now have the beginning of one the most powerful and healing experiences in the world:
A truly secure, loving relationship.
Words by Serdar Hararovich
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The single most important skill of a healthy relationship is learning how to talk ABOUT your triggers, rather than just FROM your triggers.
Author
Serdar Hararovich
Speaking FROM your triggers look like: Escalating arguments, one-sided monologues, sharing ultimatums as "I need" statements, covertly or overtly blaming or criticising the other person, then blaming the other person when they get defensive in response.
Speaking FOR your triggers sounds like: "I'm feeling impacted by what just happened, and I need a moment."
Speaking FOR your triggers sounds like "I'm noticing this is bringing something up for me, and I want to pause before we get into an argument."
Speaking FOR your triggers sounds like "I'm noticing a story my mind is making about what it means when you do that, and I want to take a moment to see how best to respond, because I know my brain sometimes makes it mean something it doesn't mean."
These are just a few examples of where to start. Speaking for a trigger goes much deeper than this - this is just the starting point, and the rest is just as important.
To be able to respond in these ways requires a commitment to a new way of doing things - a new way of relating based on the principles of Secure Attachment and healthy relationships.
Most people never learn this skill, because they believe the problem is other people. This is a MAJOR roadblock to healing and calling in healthy love. They believe that "I was just being authentic/vulnerable, the other person has the problem, I just need to find someone new."
Other times, people read posts like this and they hope that by reading about such things, it will allow them to embody healthy relationship skills, but then sadly they find out the hard way that it doesn't work that way.
We need to be practicing these skills, getting feedback on how we communicate, uncovering our blind-spots in a compassionate but clear way, and being role-modelled a new and healthier way of relating. That's how a person truly embodies healthy love.
This is the work I do with my clients, and it's why many of my clients are finally experiencing the most fulfulling relationships of their lives - even after they had already done personal development work for decades before finding their way to me.
If you are interested in mastering the art of healthy communication and attracting an emotionally healthy partner, I have space for 2 new clients in February. Head to the link below to schedule a free initial call to make 2025 the year it all changes for you: https://calendly.com/serdarhararovich/initialconsult
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Mothering a man is an unintentional symptom of Anxious Attachment or Disorganised Attachment that comes out as controlling and coaching men.
Some Women, sincerely desiring to overcome this pattern, find influencers who tell them that the solution is to submit or surrender to men.
In a lot of cases though, this unintentional tendency to control doesn't disappear, it gets channelled in a new way: "If I submit to him, if I am more feminine, then I can get him to do what I want him to do, which is lead me and choose me".
Naturally, it doesn't work because this energetically repels emotionally healthy men, while attracting unhealed men.
These ideas can harm women as they don't address any of the underlying issues, such as the deeper attachment wounding that's underneath it all.
It doesn't address the emotional neglect she's often experienced in her life, or the missing blueprint of secure attachment.
They don't address the missing tools of intimate collaboration, of sharing power, of learning how to connect in a deeper way that most people have never been taught or role-modelled.
I have helped female clients to find and keep the most fulfulling relationship they've ever had with a man - and it wasn't by teaching them how to submit.
Instead, it was first by helping her to heal from the emotional neglect of her early life experiences at a preverbal level, and then to be able to connect with men from her healthy & secure Adult Self - not from her wounded child self, nor her mothering self.
It was also by role-modelling what an emotionally healthy, secure, present, boundaried, collaborative, and deeply attuned man sounds like and feels like to interact with, which creates a new blueprint and compass for healthy relating much more profoundly than anything I could ever say.
Many of these clients had originally learned about men from other women or wounded men. This created a highly distorted, over-simplified version of men.
I was able to help them relate to men in the depths of who they really are. This deeper understanding opened up a whole new dimension of intimacy and love in their relationships with men - adult to adult.
I work with people who are serious about finding a life partner, and are ready to cut through all the noise out there that's getting in the way. 2025 can be the year of that for you, but you have to truly want it and invest in it.
Healthy relationships and deep, authentic intimacy is the foundation of a fulfilling life, and this is why it's my passion and why I'm such a strong stand for others making this area of their life a top priority.
If that speaks to you, you can now book a discovery call with me to discuss how I can help you. This is only for those who really desire true intimacy, deep love and partnership. Here is the link: https://calendly.com/serdarhararovich/initialconsult
Words by Serdar Hararovich
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Emotionally available people don't mess around. You don't need to have an impressive opening line. You don't need to develop a text-based fantasy relationship with them for months before meeting. You don't need to set up a memorable date. You don't need grand gestures, promises of forever, or to lovebomb them for them to even notice you. Being emotionally available means none of that matters. Being emotionally available means the person cares about who you are, your character, your sense of humour, your capacity to love and what it feels like to be with you - these are the things that will make it memorable to them. Not the things that have nothing to do with lasting love and deep intimacy.
Emotionally available people exist, but the amount of unavailable people who THINK they are ready for love is confusing you. Don't let them confuse you and have you becoming a version of yourself that you don't even like. Don't lose hope. Just stop chasing the love of people who aren't truly ready to love, and to be loved. In other words, it's time to become truly emotionally available for love in one's self, and to do the work required to feel worthy of the depths of love you really desire.
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The Securely Attached person is not the one who spiritually bypasses fears and insecurities - thereby pushing them into the shadow, while using relational "non-attachment" as their coping mechanism for their fears around deeper intimacy and love.
The Securely Attached person is also not the one who becomes completely taken over by their fears and insecurities, making demands or unintentionally trying to control other people in order to maintain their sense of equilibrium in the connection.
The Securely Attached person is instead the one who OPENLY speaks about their fears in a collaborative, calm and warm manner. They invite the other person into their world, and importantly, they do this in a healthy way, and only choose emotionally healthy individuals to do this with.
It's the person who is secure enough in themselves to allow their true self to be seen in this way.
The Securely Attached person is the one who is dedicating their time, resources and energy to learn the skillset and the immense courage for true, soul-deep vulnerability - not the majority who believe they are already masters at it.
This belief, the idea "I've done the work", is one major reason why most promising relationships fall apart before they have a chance of blossoming.
The Securely Attached person knows that these skills are not one-time lessons, but ongoing journeys and initiations of the heart into the depths of true intimacy.
Words by Serdar Hararovichs
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A Secure man is never going to try to teach you how to be more Feminine, submissive or "surrendered" to him.
A Secure woman is never the one shaming her partner for not being "Masculine" enough.
Securely Attached people don't tell other people how they "should" be or how to do things. They express desires, collaborate on differences, and endeavour to find a win-win solution in a warm and friendly manner.
Those who are less Securely Attached might tell others they are "not being submissive enough" or "not in your Masculine" or "not making me feel safe the way you should".
They can struggle to communicate in a constructive way - either not speaking up, or waiting until resentment kicks in, or having their needs come across as demands.
They can sometimes hold unspoken expectations for others, that they might unintentionally shame the other person for not upholding, by saying things like "you should have known" or "that's just what a man does" or "that's what a feminine woman would do".
These are unintentional behaviours that arise out of attachment distress, and a lack of healthier ways of getting one's needs met in relationships.
Not being Securely Attached is not something to feel shame about. It doesn't make a person broken. It is the result of emotional neglect, inconsistency and lack of securely attached parenting that leads to insecure attachment. Nobody deserves that. It's a tragic thing that took me many years to heal from.
But as adults, we need to be willing to confront our own shadow, rather than focusing on other people and how they aren't showing up for us properly.
When we are focused on how other's aren't showing up for us like this, we are simply transferring the wounds of our childhood onto the adults in our lives, turning one's partner into the parent who wasn't fully there.
If you want to overcome these patterns, you need to focus on yourself and your own secure attachment skills, even though many people will encourage you to keep focusing on how Men aren't being "Real Men" enough or how Women have lost their role as the submissive housewife and all the variations of these misguided teachings.
None of these ideas will allow love and deep intimacy to enter your life.
Don't let wounded individuals who present a fantasy version of their own lives and of relationships misguide you in 2025.
It's time to reclaim your power from the distractions and wounded teachings that are keeping people away from the love that's wanting to enter their lives.
Healthy, harmonious and secure relationships are possible, but they require a particular skillset. It doesn't have to take years to learn, but it does take humility, and the willingness to take action.
Humility and the courage to take a new step in life. A step that can open you up to the deepest love of your life. The question is, how much is that worth to you?
Words by Serdar Hararovich
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Two important skills: Learning how to love fully & wholeheartedly, with your heart on your sleeve - AND learning how to move on from someone who can't love you the way you deserve to be loved. We need both these skills, and that's the hard part. Keeping an open heart, yet having the ability to let go when needed. This is the work, and the imperfect art, of opening to love.
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We all want healthy, deep, lasting love, but sometimes it can feel like the furthest thing away from us.
We are sold quick fixes, told to act more masculine or feminine, to "submit" or to engage in performative masculinity as seduction techniques... as if these things have anything to do with authentic intimacy, love or healthy relationships.
For the last 5 years, clients have come to work me after learning about these ideas, telling me their relationships and dating lives have become worse.
They have started replacing arguments about chores, with arguments about who's being properly "masculine" or "feminine". They haven't even started to address the actual reasons why they're struggling. They just added more content to their existing problems.
This is the reality of where we are now: Most of the ideas being taught, are making people's relationships worse, and when it comes to dating, it's blocking love from entering their lives.
Every day, there's a new dating myth and a new toxic idea being shared as a universal truth.
Is it any wonder people are struggling?
When I have made suggestions for more effective communication, I have had female clients say to me, "Wouldn't that make me masculine if I say/do that?", and when teaching men how to be more emotionally intelligent in relationships, some have said "Won't she think I'm weak if I show her that part of me?"
I helped those clients overcome these hurdles to open to love and experience deep intimacy, but what about the many others still under the influence of these ideas?
To begin healing from the damage that all of this has done, we need to confront the reality of it.
We need to acknowledge that, even though it's not intentional, these wounded teachings have impacted all of us - both consciously and unconsciously.
If there's a purification that needs to happen, it's releasing these distortions so we can clear the spaces in our hearts that has become filled with false messages that take us away from true intimacy.
Opening To Love is a clearing away of everything that has gotten in the way so that the raw power of your heart can shine once again.
OPENING TO LOVE is the clearing and the opening to depths of love that we all know deep down is possible.
When you embody your most secure & centred self... When you learn how to feel truly safe to be vulnerable, when you clear away the distortions and blockages unintentionally keeping you away from love, this is when everything changes.
This is the missing piece.
Opening To Love is not just an intellectual training. It's a practical 7-week journey to truly embody the skills and tools of deep intimacy and lasting love.
If you feel ready to receive love, deeper than you ever have before... Then I invite you to join me on this journey.
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Love is not something that just happens. It's something you choose to open to. When your heart is dripping in the vulnerability of a person who said, "I'm ready".
It's not the person who waits for others to be vulnerable first.
It's not the person who says "men should go first", or "I'll wait for her to come to me."
It's not the person who never risks being rejected.
It's not the person that leaves as soon as things get challenging.
It's not the person who has 10 thousand rules for how love is supposed to look and feel, and rejects everything else.
It's not the person who complains about "low effort" coffee dates.
Instead, it's the person who's heart is truly open - open to all the different ways love can show up.
It's the person who does things that terrifies them.
It's the person who doesn't look away, when they see someone they like, in order to "play it cool".
It's the person who leans in - who reveals the parts of themselves they are afraid to reveal, when it would be easier to just leave.
It's the person who has been initiated into the depths of their heart - often through loss, heartbreak, grief, and a recognition of the shortness of life.
Love, fully felt, is the most vulnerable a person can get. There's no shame in saying, "There's a part of me that's still afraid".
It's the people who acknowledge that fear, yet choose to open their hearts anyway, that get to experience the deepest forms of intimacy.
Words by Serdar Hararovich
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If you can't self-regulate your emotions, your relationships will be chaos. If you can't co-regulate with your partner, your inner world will be chaos. Healthy relationships require learning BOTH skills, not just relying on one.
Author
Serdar Hararovich
Co-regulation requires a certain degree of Self-regulation. If you are not able to work through the more intense feelings around frustration, anger and resentment before turning to your partner, you may not experience co-regulation, and instead you will simply trigger each other - the opposite of co-regulation.
Also, co-regulation is not about using "I feel" statements to cover over the resentment or anger underneath the words. It starts with working with what you're feeling in a way that leads to constructive, collaborative and emotionally safe dialogue.
Talking about what's happening inside you - in a way that feels emotionally safe to the other person. This is the importance and power of effective self-regulation.
Co-regulation then becomes easeful, which also contributes to deeper self-regulation, and a positive ripple effect is formed in the relationship with the foundation of emotional safety for everyone involved. This is the beginning of deeper, more soulful and nourishing forms of intimacy.
When it comes to relationships between Men & Women, I've seen people telling women that a "real" man will be able to "hold space" for a woman regardless of how she speaks to him. This is just leading women into a fantasy version of relationships. Men respond to Women, just as Women respond to Men. If he brings his unprocessed anger to you, that impacts you. If you bring criticism and blame to him, that impacts him. It's not because he's not a 'real man', it's because he's not a robot.
It's time to let go of those wounded teachings around relationships, and discover the art of true intimacy.
Everyone, no matter gender, benefits from learning more effective forms of self-regulation, co-regulation and a more collaborative style of communication that supports both.
To learn more, you can schedule a call to have a consult with me, or check out one of the low-cost resources I've created to help people master these skills: https://linktr.ee/SerdarHararovich
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Everyone believes they are Securely Attached... until they meet someone they really like. That's when a person's unresolved attachment wounding often rises to the surface. In many cases, it sabotages the chances of that connection, despite how promising it may have started off.
Your existing attachment blueprint makes it very difficult to experience the kind of love you desire, no matter how strong your desire and openness is.
Everything from how you interpret your partner's facial expressions, the silence between you, how often they message you, what it means when they do this (or don't do something), how you feel when they get close, how you feel when they take space, how you react when you feel disappointed, sad or angry with a partner, how you talk about your needs or desires - everything is shaped by that blueprint, something that was formed unconsciously many years ago.
People often get into new relationships and repeat similar patterns, because they think that they learned from their past relationships. Yet intellectually understanding our patterns is not how healing from attachment wounds works. Your attachment system wasn't designed to change that easily. It's a deeply entrenched and unconscious blueprint of behaviours, feelings and thoughts, and it even shapes who you are attracted to (and not attracted to). That's how deep it goes.
I've watched enough people go through painful cycles of looping patterns - even therapists and coaches who have 'done the work' - to know the truth of these words.
Everything you intellectually learned from the last connection will go out the window, unless you also do the deeper work of updating your attachment system so that you can align with healthy love and develop new ways of responding to dating & relationship challenges.
This deeper work also enables people to align with different kinds of partners - the kinds of healthy, emotionally available, and loving partners your current attachment system doesn't even register as potential partners yet.
The majority of people reading this will think "Not me, I've changed and won't repeat the past!" or "Other people are the problem, I did the work!". Those people I can't help. They will continue repeating the same patterns, until it becomes painful enough that they are willing to do something about it. Life has a way of humbling people eventually, but it can take decades. Humility is the entry key to changing our lives in a lasting way.
I can only help people who recognise the value of true intimacy in our lives, and know that it's worth the time, attention and action required to invest in NOW - not in 10 years. Not after another round of the same thing with a different person.
If you want to be supported with effective and lasting change in your love life - being supported to truly embody Secure Attachment at the deepest level - this is the work I am currently doing with my 1:1 clients. This is also what we do in "Secure Dating". There are many testimonials on my website to attest to how powerful this work is, and how different it is to the ineffective, misattuned, bypassing and cookie-cutter coaching many people have experienced previously.
If you're ready to have a conversation to see how I can support you to align with the kind of life and love you truly want to experience, schedule a call with me today.
- Serdar Hararovich
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THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY
One of my biggest blockages to love was not allowing people to know + see that I was interested in them.
I even remember the day I realised this. It was a workshop where we were invited to explore the question, "What is your biggest blockage to intimacy?", and at that time, it was my inability to let people know that I like them.
To 'show' interest - and to verbally express interest - felt deeply vulnerable for me. It just wasn't something I was able to do. Would I look desperate? Would I seem too "keen"? I didn't want to take that risk, so better to not show it then.
So I know from experience what that can be like.
Nowadays, women are told that Men should come to them (i.e, to 'play it cool'), and Men are told to play their cards close to their chest. Both Men & Women can struggle with vulnerability and being direct with each other in both similar and different ways.
Many people are being taught to ignore their inner signals and contort themselves into a version of themselves that isn't authentic, based on what someone said is more "feminine" or "masculine".
Vulnerability is not a feminine thing, nor a masculine thing, it's a human thing. It takes courage to be vulnerable & take a risk, and everyone benefits by practicing that muscle.
The truth is that the love we get to experience in life, is closely connected with the depths of vulnerability we are willing to go to.
How often are you willing to go first?
How willing are you to soften first, during a difficult relational situation?
How often do you share your appreciation, before the other person shares theirs?
How often do you share a fear or insecurity, instead of reacting from it?
How willing are you to talk about the judgements and mental narratives that are getting in the way between you and another person?
How often do you share the vulnerable truth underneath the complaint, boundary or need?
There's no shame to admit that we might struggle with vulnerability. I developed my skillset in this area by first having the humility to say, "This is something I'm afraid of. I want to learn how to be more vulnerable. This is the way I want to live in this life. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to show up with more vulnerability."
I'm not perfect at this. There are plenty of times I could have been more vulnerable. Yet, what used to be too vulnerable for me, now comes with a lot more ease. What's vulnerable for me now, are things that back then I never would have imagined were even possible for two people to experience and talk about.
I view vulnerability as an ever-expanding edge, that expands as we become more courageous with our hearts. We are all somewhere along that path.
What I know is that vulnerability is one of the most attractive qualities to me in a partner.
We're only here for a limited time. The way I see it, life is too short to hold back our curiosity, our interest and our love.
- Serdar Hararovich
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"Never initiate with a Man - it makes you Masculine", is some of the worst advice I've seen. It disempowers Women, shames the impulse to connect, and blocks the chances of true intimacy, which requires vulnerability.
Author
Serdar Hararovich
Going from one extreme to another is a common pattern in the personal development world.
Understandably, there are many women burntout and exhausted from trying to make it work with emotionally Avoidant men.
So then someone comes along and says "The problem is you are too in your Masculine. The solution is you just need to sit back in your Feminine and you'll magically magnetise your divine partner. So simple!"
Naturally, that's an appealing idea, but it's a fantasy and it misses the point.
This patterning has nothing to do with Feminine/Masculine dynamics, and everything to do with attachment wounding and pursuing relationships with unsuitable partners in unhealthy ways as a result of unhealed attachment wounds.
That's what needs to be addressed, but isn't being addressed because it's nuanced and requires deep personal healing work.
That's why we have many thousands of men & women learning how to be "Feminine" and "Masculine", while their relationships with the opposite sex still struggle and in many cases get worse, because none of the underlying issues are being addressed by any of it.
Relationships require vulnerability. They require collaboration. They require a mutual give and take. They require recognising the way we objectify each other by seeking a perfectly ideal "Feminine" or "Masculine" partner, instead of being able to relate with the full spectrum human beings we all are.
They require accepting our own full spectrum humanity, instead of trying to play a rigid role given to us either by society or by some influencers on the internet.
If you would like to cultivate this kind of deeper relationship towards others and towards yourself, and practice the grounded skills of true intimacy and Securely Attached relating, my program "Conscious Dating" is all about this stuff.
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Modern dating means people now have a never-ending supply of people to keep recycling the unhealthy patterns that they have not yet faced in themselves.
Author
Serdar Hararovich
It's important to say my intention is not shame. It's to bring awareness to tendencies that are not serving people.
Healing and overcoming unhealthy patterns in dating & relationships, requires both courage AND compassion.
- COURAGE to confront the things that we would rather project onto other people.
- COURAGE to take back the projections that might want to say "It's other people's fault. I just need to meet the right person. There's nothing new for me to learn."
- COURAGE to say "I'm willing to be supported in seeing the things I cannot see on my own, and to learn skills that I didn't think I needed."
- COMPASSION to say "Having unhealthy patterns, does not mean I am broken. It does not mean I am not enough. It just means I am a human being. All human beings experience challenges. Especially in this area of life."
- COMPASSION to know "The most loving thing I can do for myself, is be willing to look at where I might be unintentionally getting in the way of my deepest desires in life."
- COMPASSION to feel "I am worthy of the things I truly desire in life - and I can make choices to help me to achieve them."
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- Some say: "Women, let a man chase you. That's just how Men are designed."
What they really mean is: "I don't know how to be vulnerable with Men and to be a courageous and authentic adult - so I'm going to teach you that you don't need to either."
- Others say: "Men, make her feel less than you, so that she wants you".
What they really mean is: "I have low self-worth, so I figured out some manipulation tactics that work on wounded women."
- Some say: "Don't let him know you're into him. Act disinterested."
What they mean is: "I'm going to teach you how I learned to attract Avoidant men, while also pushing away emotionally healthy Men. I've never been with an emotionally healthy Man so I have no idea how to be with them."
- Others say: "Don't be vulnerable with her, it'll ruin the Polarity".
What they mean is: "I don't believe that true intimacy between Men & Women is possible because I never learned the skills to co-create it. Instead, I'm going to teach you how to put on a mask to get laid."
This is just a very small collection of the countless distortions, myths and harmful ideologies that have gained traction over the last few years.
What we hear, listen to and take in on a daily basis becomes ingrained in our psyches. Regardless of whether you consciously agree or disagree with it at the time that you read it.
If you want healthy partnership, you need to actively seek grounded guidance and to have healthy boundaries around these ideas becoming imprinted in you.
Wounded teachings from wounded people in a wounded society will continue to sabotage many people's love life.
Healthy boundaries are more important than ever.
Pick the people you trust to guide you well, and stay close to them.
- Serdar Hararovich
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POLARITY & TRUE INTIMACY
Last week, I said "The more a Man is fixated with Women "surrendering" and "submitting" to him, the more likely he has a very troubled relationship with Women."
This resonated with a lot of people, and it also feels like it's important to speak to the other side of this:
Why are ideas like this so popular right now?
Let's explore the 'grain of truth' in Polarity teachings.
There are some Women who struggle with receiving influence and power from Men - even when those Men are emotionally safe.
There are Women who - as a result of past experiences - are mistrustful or hyper-vigilant towards any power a Man holds in relationship.
They may at times be domineering (the opposite extreme of "surrendering"), disrespectful, or seek to undermine Men. They don't feel safe when Men have power.
They may even interpret any boundaries, needs or desires expressed Men as forms of control.
That is clearly not healthy.
The problem with Polarity teachings is that it says to these Women, "You just need to learn how to surrender" - which can be a harmful teaching to Women who have experienced the misuse of power at the hands of Men.
A Woman should absolutely NOT be 'opening' up to receive influence and power from emotionally unsafe Men.
Sadly, it's common for people to flip between extremes when they don't have healthy guidance in their life.
A Woman who is not open to receiving from Men, who mistrusts Men, may then believe the solution is to flip to the other extreme: "Submitting" to men.
These extremes are rarely healthy nor sustainable.
So what's the healthy alternative?
Here are two crucial components for Women working on these issues.
1. Developing healthy discernment.
Discernment means being able to tell the difference between emotionally mature and healthy partners, and those who are not.
Many Women struggle with this for a variety of reasons, mainly to do with distorted early blueprints of attachment.
As a result, they can mistrust their ability to discern - or they simple mistrust the Men that they pick.
The way to develop this type of discernment is to pay attention to emotionally safe Men, to get close to them, to pay them to support you (if they are a coach or therapist) and to develop a deep imprint of what it feels like and looks like.
It's rare for this to happen 'naturally'. You have to go out of your way to make this a reality in your life. I can't emphasise this enough.
If you want to really heal your relationship towards Men, this is the absolute #1 thing to prioritise. You will not heal your relationship towards Men by reading content from Women about Men.
You will also not heal your relationships towards Men by swinging back and forth between A. Harmless but boring romantic partners, to B. Untrustworthy, harmful or controlling but exciting romantic partners.
There is a healthy in-between. However, it's only accessible through an update to one's attachment system, which requires healing work.
2. Learning how to collaborate and share power in a relationship.
Leading - and being led - is a part of ANY healthy relationship.
For example, a Man may lead more so in the bedroom, but only through deep listening to his partner.
He's deeply attuned to her body, her heart and her expression - allowing her to open to him and enter exquisite depths of lovemaking that are only possible because she feels safe and trusting in his attunement and presence to her.
They are both leading each other in this dance, just in different ways, both visible and invisible.
In a different context, she might lead more overtly in an area of life that she happens to know more about, and he receives her influence, because there is mutual respect for each other's areas of mastery & competence.
She's not "in her Masculine" when she's teaching him something. She's being a regular human being.
She's not "in her Masculine" when she has a different opinion, or when she takes charge of a situation when it's appropriate. She's being an adult, in an adult relationship.
An insecure Man will say that should never happen. Anything that makes him feel like he's not needed, that he's not the 'man', triggers his insecurity.
A Secure man isn't worried, and knows that as long as she is treating him with respect - his partner is not a threat to his power or worth.
Leading & being led are therefore intricately woven, inextricable and beautiful aspects of healthy adult partnership.
It starts with developing healthy discernment, and then learning how to share power with the person we've chosen.
Attuning to each other. Listening deeply. Communicating openly. Loving deeply. Co-regulating. Being a team. Being a separate human being, while also valuing each other's contributions, thoughts and ideas.
Not feeling threatened by each other. Not undermining each other's power in order to feel 'in control'.
This is the foundation for true intimacy.
These are skills that many people struggle with, and need to be developed and practiced over time.
Without them, people will continue to flip between unhealthy extremes that might be exciting short-term, but only cause more pain and suffering long-term.
- Serdar Hararovich
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The more a Man is fixated with women "Surrendering" and being "Submissive", the more likely he has a very troubled relationship with Women - to say the least. Giant red flags.
Author
Serdar Hararovich
I've known a lot Men who were obsessed with these ideas, and the most common theme is that they all had a lot of bitterness towards women. It's a stage that men go through, that some of them never exit.
They were not able to be with women in a way that was fulfilling, and someone came along and told them "It's not you, it's the women. They just need to learn how to submit to you, and you need to learn how to perform masculinity. "
Emotionally healthy men aren't obsessed with these ideas, because they can have fulfilling relationships with women without constantly trying to teach them how to be "more Feminine". (Which is a form of control)
Emotionally mature adults take the time to learn how communicate in healthy ways, leading to power sharing, not controlling.
Emotionally healthy men earn a Woman's trust by being in integrity, being boundaried and solid in himself.
Through trust, mutual respect and attraction, deep intimacy emerges.
Healthy power sharing (in the day to day relationship) & deep love-making is a natural result of this process - which is the natural process of cultivating trust & safety, so we can enter the deepest part of each other's hearts.
None of this is achieved by trying to play a role, nor telling our partners what their role is supposed to be.
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"BE HIS PEACE" is the worst possible advice a Woman could listen to.
The more a Woman is encouraged to keep quiet, the more that resentment builds in the background.
The more you try to "be his peace" now, the more resentment that will come out later down the line.
A man doesn't need you to be his peace. If he has emotional maturity, he knows how to cultivate peace in his life already.
Instead, he needs a partner who DOES bring up issues with him - and does so in a loving, constructive and collaborative way.
He needs a Woman who truly sees and celebrates all that's great about him, rather than only focusing on what isn't.
He needs a partner who asks for what she wants, instead of expecting him to figure it out.
He needs a Woman who doesn't believe she is superior to him through passive aggressive comments.
He needs a partner who recognises - and continually works on - her OWN challenges - not just focusing on his shortcomings.
He needs a Woman who focuses on doing genuine healing work, not just listening to people who tell her that everything that has gone wrong in her relationships is other people's fault.
He needs a Woman who has learned how to deal with resentment before it sabotages the love between them.
He doesn't need you to be his peace.
He doesn't need you to withhold your truth.
He just needs you to be his partner, in the true meaning of that word.
- Serdar Hararovich
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6 Blockages To Love in Dating & Relationship
1. Not speaking up about something that is bothering you in a loving way.
When a person doesn't effectively and quickly address an issue, it leads to a build-up of resentment over time, which creates even more distance between you and the other person.
When people learn how to address issues in a kind and collaborative way, they start to feel confident to bring up issues much more often and in a constructive manner, which enhances the depth and love in their relationships.
2. Agreeing to things that extend you beyond your limits of comfort and safety.
When there is resentment in a connection, it's common to blame the other person, even if we actually are overstepping our own internal boundaries. Internal boundaries about the choices we make (or don't make) in relation to our needs and limits, and the over-focus on external boundaries often means people aren't aware of - and overstep - their own internal boundaries.
3. 'Playing it cool' and not being willing to go first, to take the first step, or to express your desire clearly.
Healthy, reciprocal adult relationships require vulnerability and the willingness to go first, rather than always waiting for others to do so.
'Playing it cool' attracts Avoidant people, while repelling emotionally healthy, secure individuals.
4. Rarely (or never) expressing appreciation for the other person.
If we feel like our needs are not being met fully, it's common to withhold some of our love & affection. However, by doing so, we contribute to a downwards spiral of negativity, animosity and disconnection. We can choose to love more deeply than this.
5. Focusing on what the other person isn't giving you, while ignoring what they are giving you.
Those with Anxious Attachment have a nervous system that is primed to see what is not working and what is NOT there, rather than what IS there and what is working. It's an old coping mechanism to feel safe, but it can get in the way of healthy relating.
Consciously shifting that focus to see where our partner IS showing up for us, is often part of the healing process for those with attachment wounding. (This can, and must be done, while still addressing issues - see Blockage #1.)
6. Bringing pain, mistrust or anger from our past experiences into new relationships without conscious awareness.
We all have had negative past experiences. When we haven't fully processed and integrated those experiences, we tend to bring the feelings associated with them into every new relationship.
For example, we will mistrust someone based on an experience we had in the past. We will feel especially angry or hurt because they did something that reminds us of a painful past experience, without realising how the past is influencing our present feelings. We will take things personally even when they aren't.
In order to align with healthy partnership, we need to heal & integrate those past experiences - or at the very least, become consciously aware of how they impact the way we feel in our current relationships.
This is what it means to start dating and connecting with each other in conscious, secure and emotionally mature ways.
- Serdar Hararovich
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AVOIDANT SPIRITUALITY
Recently I talked about "Avoidant Spirituality", which I define as unhealed Avoidant Attachment that has been spiritualised as the "evolved" way of doing things.
Many Gurus are people who experienced trauma as a child, never healed, and then turned their childhood coping mechanisms into spiritual teachings.
Ideas that come from Avoidant Spirituality include: Attachment is bad, safety is an illusion, don't seek anything external, and everything you need is within you.
While there is a grain of truth to everything, these and similar ideas are better understood as expressions of childhood coping mechanisms - coping strategies that we needed in order to survive the emotional neglect, anguish and hopelessness that results from misattuned, rejecting or unreliable caregivers.
When we learn that it's not safe to rely on others, we give up on that and we turn to ourselves excessively as a coping mechanism. This is not a deep truth of how to live life - it's a trauma response.
As adults, if not therapeutically processed, these coping mechanisms seriously interfere with a person's ability to love and be loved.
We need to talk about this because Avoidant Spirituality has had profound influence over the way many people relate to others, as well as their relationship to themselves.
It's not just people with Avoidant Attachment that these types of ideas have influenced, but all of us.
When people don't have an integrated, accepting relationship with their own needs, desires and fears, they tend to flip between ignoring them - OR being taken over by them.
One day a person is talking about how they don't need anything external (because we are told that's bad) - the next day, they're in deep pain because a partner hasn't responded to one of their messages.
One day a person is talking about how Attachment isn't love - the next day, they're struggling because of the lack of security in their relationship.
One day a person is talking about how they've "done the work" - the next day, they are completely overwhelmed by old insecurities.
One day we're talking about how content we are without a partner - the next day, it's all we can think about.
I have seen these patterns over and over again. The effects of unintentional spiritual bypass on people's healing journey is immense.
This is what happens under the influence of Avoidant Spirituality and the many misguided teachings about love and healing.
The effects of these ideas on intimate relationships is also profound.
How well do you think a person can hold space for their partner's fears, vulnerabilities and insecurities in a relationship - when they are in denial about their own, when they've been taught it's "low frequency" to have fears?
When we learn to invalidate our own humanity, we will invalidate other people's too. We will be turned off by other people's vulnerabilities, just as we are repelled by our own.
Some people say this happens in relationships because it's a loss of Masculine / Feminine polarity. This has nothing to do with it.
When people have a healthy relationship towards themselves, they can hold the full spectrum of other people's humanity (within reasonable limits) - and it DEEPENS intimacy & attraction.
This goes for a Man's vulnerability as much as a Woman's.
True vulnerability - not blame, trauma dumping, or 'feedback' disguised as vulnerability - is always attractive to emotionally mature people.
If you are turned off by a person's vulnerability, or feel threatened by it, that's about you, not about them.
These ideas also have an influence over the conversation around Monogamy & Non-Monogamy, where ideas that are based in Avoidant Spirituality teach us that it's only our "fear" and "ego" that makes us jealous or insecure in relationships - when in reality, these feelings are core aspects of what make us HUMAN.
You will experience jealousy and insecurity in any close intimate connection, no matter how "healed" and "evolved" you think you are.
Sadly, it's often the people who think they are "healed" and "did the work", who respond to these emotions in the least constructive and healthy ways - such as by trying to control other people.
What we need to do is learn how to work WITH our feelings more effectively, to work WITH our humanity - not to push it away and try to transcend it, which is what creates the most destructive relationship dynamics.
Just like in the previous examples, when we push away our humanity - or when we aren't learning how to work with our fears in healthy & effective ways, because we believe we are "healed" and have transcended our "lower" self - that's when the shadows start coming out.
That's when controlling behaviour begins, that's when insecure & destabilising relationships continue because we aren't learning healthy ways of dealing WITH our very human needs, desires, fears and insecurities.
We need to embrace our humanity. We need to embrace who we are. In many cases, we need to UN-learn everything that Avoidant Spirituality has taught us about life.
When we embrace our humanity, that's when we can truly start to heal.
This is not about invalidating the positive benefits that some people have received from these kind of ideas. Those benefits are real, just as what I am speaking to here is real.
This is instead a call for grounded healing, grounded spirituality, and grounding in the truth of who we are - not who we are told to be by people who had to turn away from their own humanity as a coping mechanism.
- Serdar Hararovich
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Emotionally Available people have high standards, but they are not based on fantasy or treating people as if you are shopping for an object.
Instead, emotionally available & mature people base their standards on what actually determines whether a relationship will be healthy and happy or not.
Which is not based on sharing all the same interests, having the same hobbies or liking all the same things.
It's also not based on being with the hottest person they could match with, nor the other person's income (above a certain threshold, it has little bearing on personal happiness or relationship satisfaction).
These things are not what determines relationship happiness and longevity. This is the point that the whole debate about standards completely misses.
Any self-respecting individual will have standards. The point is, many people don't base their partner choices on the things that ACTUALLY determine whether they will be happy with someone.
Many people have a conceptual ideal of what matters, only to discover later it's not that important in the big scheme of things.
It's takes life experience, reflection, time and guidance to discover these things about ourselves.
Without this kind of deep intentionality, we are driven by instinct. We go off momentary feelings, attachment wounding, and socially-conditioned criteria's that we absorb from friends, family and the ideas around us. Then we wonder what went wrong.
That's why there are so many unhappy relationships and marriages. It's not that people had low standards. They just didn't learn about themselves and about what makes for happy relationships before getting into one.
This is why bringing consciousness and intention to how we do dating and relationships is so essential. The cost of being in unhappy, destabilising, or insecure relationships for 1, 5, 10 years is much greater than any healing process you could invest in. Not just financially but emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Priorities in life matter. Learning how to navigate the nuances of love & intimacy matters. Healing our relationship with the gender(s) we are attracted to matters. Being intentional about how we do things matters.
The world will go on regardless of whether we heal, learn, evolve and invest in our long-term happiness. The person that needs to want to invest in that is you.
- Serdar Hararovich
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Opening up to love can be the most vulnerable thing in the world. True intimacy brings up all our deepest fears & protective parts.
Author
Serdar Hararovich
Sometimes our fear and our protective parts are warning us of a real danger, and for that reason it's always important to listen to what they have to say. I don't believe in ever pushing past our needs for safety.
Other times, it can also be that we are afraid of the pain of a past experience that may not be as likely as it feels to us. Regardless, we still need to listen to that and learn how to work with our fears to feel more safe in the situation. We may need to reality-check our fears, to discuss them openly, to discover if what we fear is realistic based on the current situation. It's by being willing to listen to our inner messages and work through what's there that we can find more security & safety to open up to love more deeply.
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Loving The Emotionally Unavailable Person
- Do you find yourself thinking about someone more when they don't respond to you?
- Do you often desire more intimacy than what you're receiving?
- Do you find yourself falling for people who are either physically or emotionally unavailable?
- Have you often felt unfulfilled in relationships?
- Have you tried to make others become more available, present, or loving towards you?
- Have you tried to prove your worth & value to someone?
- Have you struggled to let go of connections that don't serve you?
Here's the thing to understand:
When a person doesn't experience consistent love, attention and attunement as a child, it leaves a lasting impact on their nervous system and their attachment system.
The child who got used to inconsistency, becomes the adult who is attracted to the unavailable and inconsistent partner.
The unavailable person is the closest match to what your attachment style has associated with love.
As a child, your brain said "Connection and security are scarce resources. In order to have even a bit of it, I need to be more hypervigilant and to feel more intensely in order to have any chance of getting what I want. When I feel this way, that's what love is."
As an adult, your attachment style still operates the same as it did back then, even though the conditions have changed.
In order to heal, your attachment system needs to be brought into the 'here and now' so that you can feel at ease and truly secure - both in yourself and in connection.
In order to heal, you need to receive everything that you missed out on: the sense of security, the soothing, the sense of abundance in love, the sense of deep worthiness for mutual love.
Once you receive everything you missed out on, you stop seeking it in people who don't want to give you what you desire.
This is how people start to become Securely Attached.
Once you heal, you start showing up in ways that attract emotionally available people, instead of attracting unavailable people.
You start responding to people in ways that honour your needs and your boundaries in healthy ways.
Instead of feeling anxious in-between messages & catch ups, you start to feel secure and at ease.
Instead of staying silent until resentment builds, you start to communicate your desires effectively.
Instead of over-giving and people-pleasing, you start to feel worthy of love.
Instead of feeling like it's their needs vs your needs, you start to collaborate on issues in a constructive way.
This is also when you stop investing in people who don't want to be with you.
This is when you align with the kind of partner who truly sees you and cherishes you.
This is when people experience deep, soulful love.
This take work. It requires taking responsibility for doing this work, and letting go of the common belief that OTHER people (or your current partner) are the one's who need support.
If you find yourself regularly frustrated by partner's who can't meet you, that's a you thing, not a them thing.
You absolutely deserve more than this. Rather than waiting for this scenario to play out with yet another person, you can take action in the here and now.
Our patterns don't stop with awareness. They stop once we choose to take action to do the grounded work of creating a new reality in our lives.
You have to believe that you are actually worthy of a new reality in your life.
You will thank yourself and your future partner will thank you for the work you chose to do now, to heal the parts of you that kept you hooked on people who couldn't meet you, so that you could open up to something new.
Everyone deserves to liberate themselves from the shackles of their past, to open up to entirely new levels of true intimacy and deep partnership.
Everyone deserves to experience the healing power of soulful, secure and expansive love. This is why I do the work I do.
***
I'm currently taking on 2 more 1-on-1 coaching clients for March. To find more info and book a call with me, you can find the link on my profile.
- Serdar Hararovich
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There is a deep objectification of human beings happening right now. One of the biggest blockers of intimacy is viewing people as products. You're either a finished product, or damaged goods. You're either a catch, or not a catch. You're either high value, or low value. This mindset poisons people's ability to connect with healthy partners, because we no longer see people - instead we see a collection of traits and assets that can be mixed and matched and compared to other collections of assets. Not to mention the destructive effects this view has on people's relationship with themselves when they view themselves as a commodity on a marketplace instead of deep, multi-layered being worthy of the deepest reverence, curiosity, celebration and love. I celebrate the eyes of those who have not lost their ability to see these depths in themselves and others, to explore connections with genuine curiosity, and to feel and to know a person more intimately than most people will ever know themselves.
- Serdar Hararovich
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One of the most powerful things in life, is finding people who have the courage to be truly honest with you. Most people will tell you what you want to hear. The one's who can speak what is true - without a hint of judgement - are priceless.
Author
Serdar Hararovich
Some people say they're "being real", but in reality they're simply sharing their projections and judgements.
Others think they're giving constructive feedback, when in reality they're giving unsolicited advice that nobody asked for.
This is why I never give advice unless it's a client.
Years ago, I used to be someone who wanted to help people in any context. Why not be generous with what I have learned?
What I learned is that you can share the most powerful insights in the world, but if the person doesn't actually want to grow and isn't invested in their change, it's wasted energy. People do not change unless they are absolutely commited to the process.
Reading online posts and asking people for free advice is not how people change. I share what I share publicly purely because it helps the people who are ready to go deeper to find me.
Investing in support networks and finding people who have dedicated their lives to helping people effectively, is the beginning of genuine transformation.
The people who know the difference between these things, between their own projections and judgements and what is true, are rare. Find them and hold them close.
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It doesn't matter how Securely Attached the person you date is - if you don't heal your OWN Attachment Style, you will struggle to experience Secure Attachment with them.
Unhealed wounds mean that people create self-fulfilling prophecies where you are either being abandoned (Anxious) - or feeling smothered (Avoidant).
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*** When an ANXIOUS person meets a SECURE person ***
1. Nothing - it's not common for an Anxious person to date a Secure person.
Why? Someone who is Secure isn't as 'familiar' and triggering to an Anxious person.
Anxiously Attached people are most deeply attracted to people they feel anxious with. They have an unconscious association between anxiety + love. It's what they got used to and it becomes a deeply entrenched blueprint.
This anxiety CAN and DOES also happen in connection with a Secure person - but it's more likely with an Avoidant person.
2. They will actually categorise the Secure person as either too "Avoidant" OR too "Needy".
Anxious people have rarely - if ever - experienced truly secure & healthy intimacy.
For that reason, they don't know what it looks like or what it feels like yet. The closest thing they have usually experienced is co-dependency.
So based on their life experiences, they have two categories for people:
A. Someone they perceive as "needy" or too available - who they will NOT be attracted to.
Or
B. Someone they perceive as "avoidant" or distant - who they ARE attracted to (but there's always insecurity and resentment involved in the relationship)
There's no category for a Secure person, because they have not experienced that.
What this means is this:
They will actually put the Secure person in the "Avoidant" category in many cases.
Then, they will react to this person the same way they have reacted to the real Avoidants that they have been with in the past - even though this person is NOT Avoidant.
So they will treat this Secure, emotionally healthy person as if they are someone who they are not.
What are some of the things Anxious people UNINTENTIONALLY do when that happens?
Testing, criticizing, blaming, labelling, controlling, withdrawing love to get the person to do something different, blocking/unblocking, etc.
As such, they often end up pushing the person away. They end up creating the painful self-fulfilling prophecy that they are most trying to avoid.
If you meet a Secure person but treat them as if they are Avoidant, and display Anxious Attachment behaviours with them, eventually they will appear to become "Avoidant", when in reality they are keeping their distance from an emotionally unhealthy dynamic.
These are old & deeply-rooted responses to fear and abandonment wounds, and they are understandable given the experiences that create Anxious Attachment in a person.
It takes a lot of dedication, commitment and support to heal from these behaviours and replace them with healthier responses.
So....
What happens when an Anxious person who has been doing intentional, deep Attachment Style healing work for at least 6 months - meets a Secure person?
This is the 3rd possibility - and completely different to the other two.
This is when new possibilities are created, a whole new paradigm opens up... the chance of something beautiful is born.
Instead of past wounds driving the show and creating self-fulfilling prophecies,
You feel Secure, confident, trusting, and ready to experience something magical.
You are no longer operating out of your anxious, fearful and wounded child self.
This is when you can finally open up to the kind of deep, soulful love that you have always longed for.
Everyone deserves to experience this kind of secure, authentic, and soulful love.
However, this is not something that simply happens by luck. It requires a person to heal their past so that it is no longer determining their future.
A lot of people think that if they meet the right person, everything will just work out. Yet for all these reasons I've listed here, that's not just not how it works with unaddressed attachment wounds.
It doesn't matter how Securely Attached the person you meet is, if you don't heal your own Attachment Style, you cannot experience Secure Attachment with them.
If you would like support with this, I use the only process that has ever been proven to help people become Securely Attached within a short period of time.
The people who come to me have often spent over 5-10 years doing self-development work, therapy and various modalities and still not seeing a change in their attachment style until we start working together.
The reality is that our attachment blueprints are deeply ingrained, and it requires highly tailored and effective attachment-based work to shift them.
This is a game changer, for people who are ready for the love of their lives.
- Serdar Hararovich
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YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE
When you need people to "take accountability" and to apologize to you often, it might be the case that you are playing out childhood wounds and asking this person to atone for wounds that someone else - usually an early parental figure - originally caused you.
This is a common pattern that always creates more animosity and disconnect.
When that person gets defensive and doesn't want to do that, there's a chance they are defending themselves from the pain of shame, or of being smothered and made responsible for things they shouldn’t have been responsible for, which can reflect their own past wounds.
Lots of people do struggle with apologizing, and it’s a real issue.
Lots of people DO need to learn how to apologize and take ownership of their behavior.
However, when I see people ask, "How do I get my partner to apologize more/better?"
The elephant in the room is sometimes this:
Why are you choosing to be with partners who need to apologize to you so often?
What's going on there for you?
This is not to suggest you shouldn’t be with that person -
It's more that by exploring this question honestly, that's when the real healing can begin - because we are no longer focusing on the content but on the broader picture, the pattern of relating.
Instead of waiting for someone else to take accountability, we can begin to take accountability for our own lives.
This is the only way anything will change. This is the path out from the endless unhappiness, the misery and dissatisfaction that these types of dynamics often create in people’s lives.
- Serdar Hararovich
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The world does not need more Men telling other men what a "Real, Masculine Man" is while shaming their full spectrum humanity.
The world needs Men to heal, so that we can drop the "Real Man" bravado and show up as integrated human beings for ourselves and each other.
Author
Serdar Hararovich
If a person wants to teach you how to be more "attractive", before they are teaching you to discover what is already attractive about you, stay away. Their teachings are based on shame that they have not healed yet.
If a person wants to teach you how to be "Masculine" or a "real man" before they are teaching you how to accept, celebrate, own and embody who you already are - stay away.
If a person wants to teach you how to be "Feminine" or "radiant" before they are teaching you how to accept, celebrate, own and embody who you already are - stay away. You will never feel like enough.
Being supported to grow into the deepest, most whole version of ourselves is a beautiful and profound journey. It's a deeply relational process. This is not about discouraging support and guidance - true guidance is a priceless thing. It's about discernment. It's about the difference being supported to step into our unique and fullest self - vs being pulled into some individual's shame-based agenda for us.
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*** How Self-Fulfilling Prophecies Sabotage Love & Dating ***
The way you treat someone, changes the way they treat you.
If you consciously or unconsciously expect someone to hurt or disappoint you, you will treat them coldly and be more distant than usual.
When that person sees that you are treating them with coldness and distance for no apparent reason (because they know they are a good person) - they might be wary of you, and treat you with similar level of coldness and distance.
Emotionally healthy people don't like to be interacted with as if they are the person who hurt or mistreated you in your past.
They may have patience, but usually they would simply rather spend time with people who see the good in them and treat them as such.
They might then withdraw, leave, or otherwise keep an emotional distance from you.
You might then think, "I knew it, they're such an a*hole or b*ch. Good thing I never really trusted them."
Meanwhile, the reality is that you created a self-fulfilling prophecy based on your inner blueprint of intimacy, which is still expecting the worst of other people.
Your unconscious expectations caused a reaction in the other person that ultimately reinforced your negative expectations and projections.
This is just one example. This happens with all kinds of other situations:
- Expecting a person to be Avoidant, and then displaying anxious behaviours that actually make the person avoid you more than they otherwise would have.
- Not getting your needs met in a relationship, and then communicating in unhealthy ways that make it even LESS likely that your needs will be met.
In psychological terms, this is called "Behavioural Confirmation".
Most people are constantly reinforcing their negative or unhelpful expectations, assumptions and beliefs in this way. It's not intentional and it's not a conscious process.
This is why people's patterns in relationships and dating often repeat for many years. It's tragic, but it doesn't have to be this way forever.
Healing starts by recognising that this is happening (usually with the support of someone who can illuminate your blindspots), and beginning the process of updating your blueprint with a healthier map of intimacy.
This is what becoming Securely Attached is about. This is what I do with people.
To become Securely Attached, you need to have positive new corrective experiences to update your inner blueprint, which means you can stop creating these self-fulfilling prophecies that aren't serving you.
With Secure Attachment, you become liberated from the chains of your past experiences and patterns that keep you stuck in these cycles.
With Secure Attachment, you are finally free to align with and keep the kinds of relationships you've always dreamed of.
Everyone deserves this, but we have to confront our patterns that are getting in the way first.
The process I use to help people to become Secure is the only process that I know of that's been demonstrated to help people become Secure within a relatively short period of time, instead of the many years it takes most people.
It creates an entirely new blueprint of security for a whole new level of intimacy and closeness.
If you are interested in becoming Secure or have experienced the power of it yourself, leave a comment below.
- Serdar Hararovich
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A lot of people hold resentment & judgement towards the opposite sex, and then wonder why they keep attracting people who confirm their beliefs.
Author
Serdar Hararovich
When we hold judgement towards Men or Women, that impacts the way we speak to them - in both obvious and subtle ways. People with strong self-worth don't like to be around people who say things designed to instil shame, guilt or which are full of projection.
Judgement & resentment always comes out - whether in words, facial expressions and various forms of non-verbal communication.
People with healthy self-esteem will usually leave a connection like that, or will not even pursue it in the first place because they can sense the judgement & resentment in the person. This ends up confirming the judgemental beliefs.
Likewise, when we hold a lot of mistrust, that impacts the way we treat someone. Trustworthy and emotionally healthy people are willing to hold space, but they don't like to be treated as if they aren't trustworthy. If they end up leaving as a result of this treatment, it confirms the belief, "people aren't trustworthy".
The solution is NOT to force one's self to trust, be open or pretend everything is fine. That is a recipe for disaster.
Instead, it's to do the deeper healing work required to develop enough discernment & self-trust to be able to enter into dating and relationship expecting the best, not fearing the worst. That's the definition of Secure Attachment. It's a skillset, not just a feeling.
This process has nothing to do with what some people out there are teaching about "surrender", which can be a form of self-abandonment.
The solution is to do the practical and grounded work required to be able to own our projections, to learn how to navigate them in relationships, and to resolve the resentment that we are still carrying from past experiences into the here and now.
This is when we can be truly present with the person in front of us, instead of transferring all our past pains, fears and doubts onto them.
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THE ALTERNATIVE TO BLAMING YOUR PARTNER
We all deserve loving partnerships that meet our most essential attachment needs.
The problem is how we respond when our needs are NOT being met.
The way we respond is determined by our past experiences, unhealed wounds, nervous system skills and overall relational skillset.
The way we respond then determines the way our relationship (or dating experience) goes.
Will you repeat the same responses and get the same results?
Or find a new pathway through to a new way of relating?
Unless you are actively learning & PRACTICISING an entirely new (and EFFECTIVE) way of responding to situations - most people simply revert to what they have always done.
Most people find a way to blame the other person, make them wrong, argue, name-call - or just experience resentment, withdraw and close off.
There is often also a power struggle that occurs, where we are "fighting" to be heard and for our needs and desires to be met.
This reflects the fact that many people go into relationships believing that, unlike everything else in life, relationships will just 'work themselves out' if it's 'meant to be'.
In a lot of cases, people just don't know where to turn to for skills and tools that genuinely work. So they might just stay stuck with what they already know, or passively taking in (decontextualized) information they find online.
Sadly, this approach often leads to years of suffering, instability and years spent in patterns that sometimes we spiritually bypass as "growth" - when in reality, the reason these patterns last so long is because we don't have the skills that are genuinely helpful and necessary to overcome these patterns.
Resilience through challenging situations is a wonderful thing, but it's not the same thing as learning new skills to stop repeating the same patterns.
This is NOT the only way to grow. There are alternatives.
There is a healthier, more effective way of meeting the challenges of intimacy.
To learn them and embody them, we often have to first be able to see that what we have been putting up with is not serving us.
When people become used to unhealthy patterns over periods of time, it becomes 'normal' to them.
Their baseline for what is 'normal' and 'tolerable' changes. They get used to living with insecurity and instability, without realising how it's impacting every aspect of their lives.
When insecurity and instability in relationships feels normal, it's impossible to see the invisible impacts of this on our lives, our work, and the choices we make in life - which often become more based on short-term pleasure rather than long-term happiness.
This is because human beings are not designed to thrive in insecure and unstable relationships and situationships. It causes stress and anxiety and induces behaviour designed for immediate survival at the expense of long-term goals.
One of the many consequences of this is that people will opt for short-term band-aids rather than seeking out a long-term or even medium-term solutions such as Attachment-Informed Coaching (what I do) or effective forms of therapy.
Life-long patterns take time to heal from. There are no single healing session or week-long retreat that will change how a person shows up in intimate partnership.
To do that requires a commitment.
Whenever a person makes that commitment with me, I am always genuinely impressed by their courage and willingness to take that next step.
The courage it takes to work with someone who you know is going to be real with you, is not a small thing.
The courage to look at your own behaviour honestly and transparently (and compassionately), and not blame others.
The courage it takes to invest in your future, when the survival part of you is shouting "No, we need to focus on just surviving right now".
For the many who have made this choice, I have nothing but respect and I hope that you continue to make that commitment to yourself and your healing for as long as it takes.
For those who are struggling in the here and now and aren't there yet - I have also been there. I hope you continue to find your way to where you need to be to overcome whatever patterns may be playing out in your life, in the ways that are most appropriate for you.
We are not destined to live our lives in the shadows of our past. We all have the capacity to create a new pathway for ourselves through self-awareness, powerful guidance, and grounded healing. Everyone deserves to access that power.
- Serdar Hararovich
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11 Signs That Low Self-Worth Is Shaping Your Love Life
1. You mainly (or only) seek to date people who you perceive as higher than you in some way: they have higher status, more accomplished, more money or beauty/attractiveness than you perceive yourself as having.
2. Difficulty in being fully authentic and allowing all of who you are to be seen. You show only your best side, and may not reveal things that you feel could get you rejected until months or years later.
3. You believe that you’re not fit enough, not healed enough, not attractive enough, or not rich enough to be dating or worthy of love.
4. You speak negatively about yourself, either out loud or in your own head.
5. You are overly focused on appearing as an 'alpha' or 'masculine' male or being a 'feminine' woman.
6. When someone clearly wants to be with you, you devalue them in your mind. You are instead more attracted to people who show less interest in you or are less consistent.
7. You don’t ask for the things you need or desire because you don’t think they are important (or worth speaking up for.)
8. You tolerate the bare minimum and stay in unsatisfying relationships because you don’t believe you can do better.
9. Your sense of worth comes from over-giving and people-pleasing to a degree that is detrimental to your own well-being.
10. Your sense of worth comes from whether someone chooses you and whether you can make them want to be with you.
11. Your sense of worth fluctuates based on how your date or partner feels about you in any given moment.
Low self-worth is correlated with feelings of shame about ourselves (both conscious and unconscious).
In order to heal from this, we need corrective relational experiences designed to replace our negative self-worth with healthy self-esteem.
This is when we can start to reclaim our right to healthy, healing relationships.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
*** CODEPENDENCY vs INTER-DEPENDENCY ***
One aspect of learning to let other people be responsible for their emotions and communicating their needs, is also learning how to do that for ourselves.
My desires and needs are for ME to express - not for YOU to figure out.
My resentment from not doing that, is for ME to work through + address with you in a healthy manner - not for YOU to put up with and find a way to get through to me.
YOUR unmet needs & resentment is for YOU to address and work through with me - not for ME to figure out and fix.
Learning where you end, and where I begin.
This is when we can genuinely COLLABORATE on what we need together.
Not just unconsciously expecting, coercing, guilting, and manipulating each other to meet our needs.
Not just blaming each other for what we are feeling - but working TOGETHER on what we are feeling.
This is where true partnership begins.
When I learnt how to own my feelings and communicate my desires and my needs in healthy ways,
That's when I started holding the same standard in my relationships and desiring to be with people who were capable of doing this.
That's when I could stop unconsciously falling into old dynamics with people where I took on responsibility for their emotions and all the guilt & enmeshment that comes from that.
Emotional and energetic boundaries are so powerful and so important.
If you would like support with this, send me a message and we can talk about the coaching work I do with people that can help you to work through these challenges as well.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
10 Signs Low Self-Worth Is Impacting Your Love Life
1. You mainly or only seek to date people who you perceive as higher than you in some way: they have higher status, more accomplished, more money or beauty/looks than you perceive yourself as having.
2. Difficulty in being fully authentic and allowing all of who you are to be seen. You show only your best side, and don't reveal things that you feel could get you rejected until months or years later.
3. You believe that you’re not fit enough, not healed enough, not attractive enough, or not rich enough to be dating or worthy of love.
4. You speak negatively about yourself, either out loud or in your own head.
5. When someone clearly wants to be with you, you tend to devalue them and are more attracted instead to people who show less interest in you.
6. You have weak boundaries and don’t ask for the things you need or desire, because you don’t think they are important or worth speaking up for.
7. You tolerate the bare minimum and stay in unsatisfying relationships because you don’t believe you can do better.
8. Your sense of worth comes from over-giving and people-pleasing to a degree that is detrimental to your own well-being.
9. Your sense of worth comes from whether someone chooses you and whether you can make them want to be with you.
10. Your sense of worth fluctuates based on how your date or partner feels about you in any given moment.
Low self-worth is very common and it has a wide ranging impact on our lives. The work that I do with people is designed to replace low self-worth with a healthy and strong sense of self built from a solid foundation. This leads to healthier choices, healthier relationships and a more fulfilling life.
- Serdar Hararovich
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LOVING PARTNERSHIP: Fantasy vs Reality
Having standards, boundaries and non-negotiables is an important part of aligning with healthy partnership.
But an overlooked aspect of aligning with healthy partnership, is that it is co-created - not something we simply fall into with the right person.
To co-create a healthy partnership, we need to cultivate the skills required to do so.
Most people were never modelled these skills.
In many cases, our childhood experiences leave us completely unprepared for healthy intimacy.
In my case, I had to unlearn many of my unconscious coping mechanisms and associations with closeness - and then learn the skills of secure, authentic intimacy from the ground up over a period of years.
Until this happened, I was literally missing the entire skillset of co-creating healthy, fulfilling intimacy.
As much as I wanted more rewarding intimacy, I didn't know how to create this in my life.
How was I supposed to know how to do something that I was never taught how to do?
The romantic ideal that with the right person, things will just work out, has sabotaged many promising relationships.
The reality is that this simply doesn't happen for people who have experienced childhood emotional neglect and insecure attachment.
What DOES happen very often, is we might 'manifest' our perfect partner, fall in love and then feel like everything has worked out
Only to find out a few months or years down the line, once the chemicals die down,
That all the issues that were there in our past relationships are now back just as strong, if not worse.
The good news is that developing the skillset of secure, healthy intimacy is not that difficult.
What IS difficult for many though, is a willingness to leave behind the fantasy of romantic idealism: the idea that real love just works itself out.
This is especially hard to do when so much around us perpetuates this consistently harmful, destructive vision of love.
Whether it's fairytales, Hollywood, or the insta couples who present a highly curated façade of their love bubble.
The alternative to the fantasies that are presented to us is not hopelessness.
It is to have the courage to see reality for what it is, and choose to face it with the skills & tools needed to co-create the lives and the kind of love we wish to have.
We have the power to transform our patterns, but life many things in life, it's an intentional choice that must be made.
- Serdar Hararovich
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How people took "the body keeps the score" and made it mean "the body has all the answers, is never wrong, and BTW the mind is very bad", never ceases to amaze me.
Author
Serdar Hararovich
Just so we're clear on how I see things, the body sends us signals. Those signals are varied and nuanced, and they do not operate in the computer programming binary of "yes" and "no".
It's very helpful to learn how to tune into the body - and at the same time, it can be detrimental to place over-simplified, reductive interpretations onto what we are experiencing.
Messages from the body often stem from an over-active amygdala due to trauma. It is not an oracle.
The mind can help us to filter our experiences into a coherent picture, to regulate and find grounding in the otherwise overwhelming world of feelings and sensations.
This process is often massively distorted by the many misguided ideas and concepts in the spiritual world, leading to confusion and repeating patterns.
---
*** The POWER of Secure Attachment ***
There are some misunderstandings out there about Attachment Styles.
One person I talked to thought Secure Attachment means you don't need anyone.
It's true that Secure Attachment DOES include the ability to not NEED to be in a relationship.
But at it's core, Secure Attachment is this:
A deep comfort with relying on and trusting others - and of being relied upon by someone.
***
As human beings, while we can technically survive without close relationships... in order to truly thrive, we need secure, consistent, healthy relationships.
Not co-dependent relationships where we self-abandon, nor hyper-independent relationships - neither of which help us to thrive.
Secure Attachment is the ability to easefully enter into healthy, INTER-dependent connection with others.
Securely Attached people are trusting, open, and vulnerable with others - while also having discernment.
(Not to be confused with chronic mistrust)
This means a gradual deepening into emotional closeness & intimacy with someone who wants the same with us.
When in a relationship, they are also comfortable being alone, because they feel a tangible sense of security.
(Not to be confused with needing to be alone all the time)
With that felt sense of security, they explore, enjoy and work on other things - allowing them to live a full life and then re-connect with their partner with a full cup.
***
INSECURE ATTACHMENT: ANXIOUS
Those with Anxious Attachment do allow their need for others, but as a result of earlier experiences, they don't expect that their needs will actually be met.
This means that instead of feeling secure, they feel anxious, and experience emotional dysregulation and behaviours that can push people away.
They also understandably find it difficult to focus on other areas of their life when alone, due to the chronic anxiety under the surface.
Unfortunately, their fears are often re-enforced by the kinds of people they are attracted to and choose to relate with.
AVOIDANT
Those who lean Avoidant are often uncomfortable with the idea of needing others, or of others needing them.
It wasn't safe for them to have needs as children. Their needs were not met, and sometimes they were even rejected.
They therefore understandably and intelligently learned to be self-sufficient and shut off certain parts of themselves.
As adults though, they can therefore struggle to identify their needs or how to communicate them effectively - which means they often need more space and alone time than they might otherwise need, once they feel a little safer to be their full selves.
Relatedly, other people's needs can feel smothering and off-putting to them.
People can also experience a mixture of these non-secure attachment styles in different relationships.
***
MOVING FORWARD
What the research shows is that EVERYONE is capable of becoming Securely Attached.
However, what we ALSO know is that trauma processing and nervous system work doesn't usually change a person's attachment style.
(Despite how helpful and powerful these things are on their own right.)
I have met countless people who have been doing various types of therapy and healing modalities, who continue to be Insecurely Attached. This includes many people who believe they are "Secure" based on an online quiz they did, when in reality they have never addressed the core of their Attachment related issues.
Our Attachment Styles are the culmination of countless little moments (many of which are preverbal) - not just individual events or big T traumas.
To become Securely Attached, we have to go to the source of non-Secure Attachment, which is NOT what is commonly understood as Trauma.
It's what is called our "Internal Working Model" - our blueprint of attachment formed inside our implicit memory.
Those countless little moments & experiences create a deeply-entrenched blueprint of what we expect from others, how we feel about ourselves, and how we respond to intimacy and space.
To update that blueprint requires a highly specialised process to be effective and permanent, one which I utilise in my work with clients.
***
CHANGES
Without going into all the details of how it works, this is what happens (with enough time & consistency):
- "It's not safe for me to share my needs" gets transformed into a deeply felt sense of "It is completely safe for me to share my needs, and I can do it in a balanced and loving way"
- "I will be abandoned" gets transformed into "I am safely connected and secure - I don't have to worry anymore." (If/When a compatible partner is chosen)
- "It's not safe to rely on others" gets transformed into "It finally feels safe to rely on others".
- "Other people's needs are too much" gets transformed into "Both my needs and other people's needs can safely co-exist."
- "If I share my true authentic self, I will be rejected" gets transformed into "I love being with people who celebrate my authentic self"
- "I'll be doomed without this person, so I will become whoever I need to be to keep them" gets transformed into "It's safe for me to have standards & boundaries, and I trust that they will be accepted. If not, I trust that I will find someone who will accept me."
These are all verbal translations of what is happening on a much deeper, implicit level - an embodied and felt experience of inner security. This is the formation of Secure Attachment at the core of your being.
Secure Attachment gives us the power to live as our best selves - not perfect, just the ability to access more of our deepest potentials.
Secure Attachment allows us to enjoy the incredible richness of secure, authentic intimacy and really take it in.
We come alive in the presence of secure, safe love.
UPDATE IN 2024
I am opening my calendar to work with 2 new clients.
Book a free consult with me here: https://calendly.com/serdarhararovich/initialconsult
Or sign up to to a full session to begin the journey into deep security:
https://calendly.com/serdarhararovich/initialconsult
- Serdar Hararovich
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AUTHENTICITY & VULNERABILITY can sound like...
- "I need for us to slow down our physical intimacy until I feel more connected with you in other ways."
- "I feel so seen by you and so deeply connected with you. I can't imagine a more beautiful feeling in the world, than being here with you now."
- "I expected something from you that I didn't tell you about, and then I held it against you. You didn't deserve that."
- "I overstepped my own boundaries with you, and I felt resentful about it without talking about it. I'm sorry for the distance this has created between us."
- "I'm afraid of what it means for us to connect the way we have been connecting. Instead of talking to you about it, I pulled away from you. I don't want to do that anymore - I want to try something new with you."
- "I have had past experiences where it didn't feel safe for me to share what I need and desire. Could you help me to keep remembering that it IS safe with you?
- "I've been saying yes to us spending more time together, even though I'm not fully available for that. I wasn't sure that I could say no without you leaving. Could we slow things down, and still keep what we have? I cherish our connection."
- "I want to spend more time with you, and I've been afraid of what would happen if I let you see how much I desire you and love our time together."
Words by Serdar Hararovich.
Here's the thing...
Vulnerability is by definition challenging. There is no shame in struggling to communicate in these ways, which most of us do. It has taken me many years to be able to communicate in these ways even in the difficult moments.
Cultivating the art of communicating authentically, vulnerably and openly is the practice of a lifetime - one that opens up the gateway to the deepest of soulful intimacy.
In my new upcoming program, Conscious Dating LIVE (Starts April 12th), we'll be learning & practicing the art of vulnerability, of healthy communication and of true intimacy - using grounded, emotionally safe, yet powerfully transformative tools to create secure, healthy and thriving relationships.
To learn more about this program, visit the link below: https://serdarhararovich.com/consciousdatinglive
- Serdar Hararovich
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The Power of Humility
One of the most harmful ideas I ever came across in the personal development world, is the idea that humility is somehow bad.
If one's primary motive in life is to make money, it's true - you will need to to eradicate humility. Humility does not sell products or services.
That's why people who run pyramid scheme businesses have to convince people that their humility is a "limiting belief" that needs to be eradicated.
However, if your higher values in life are integrity, truth and helping people, humility is essential.
Humility, as I define it, is the healthy recognition of one's limitations - as well as a respect for those who know more than you do.
Emotionally healthy people recognise the limits of their abilities and knowledge, and always seek to learn, to grow and develop.
Developing my capacity for deeper humility is the only reason why I have been able to develop the skillset I have developed in recent years.
To recognise our limits, and the expertise of others, can feel like a threat to our identity.
I feel very fortunate that I found a practioner I felt safe with to work through my unhealed shame years ago.
To become the person I am today, I listened for a long time.
Not to people who claimed special powers, but grounded & humble people who dedicated their lives to gaining knowledge, experience and the competency to share that with others in effective ways. (as in, not by "triggering you so you can learn")
It took me years to discern the difference between these types of teachers.
The grounded ones were usually psychotherapists & practioners who's expertise was gained through life-long dedication to learning, to truth and to helping people.
They didn't claim special powers, enlightenment, self-mastery etc - their expertise was simply self-evident.
I took the time to find them and paid them to help me.
Some people believe they have special powers, and therefore they don't need that kind of humility.
They have already figured it out, they already know it all, and for a price they will share their "universal truths" with you.
When people have unhealed shame, it's natural to feel threatened by the idea of humility.
These people often give themselves special titles to signal they have special powers that you do not have.
This lack of humility is a dangerous, because without a healthy recognition of their limits and of their knowledge, there is no capacity for self-correction.
In my view, it is inevitable that people will be harmed by this lack of humility.
Humility is NOT the same as shame.
In fact, this kind of humility requires that we begin healing our shame.
Humility is not contraction and feeling small.
Humility is not being subservient to spiritual gurus who claim special powers.
Humility is not playing it small with your own special talents & gifts.
Humility is the ability to feel like a deeply worthy human being, while also recognising one's limits.
Humility is paying people to help you with your life, even while you help others with theirs.
To serve others well, and to discover the nuanced truths about ourselves and the world, humility is essential.
- Serdar Hararovich
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"IF ITS NOT A F* YES, ITS A F* NO" - Why thought-stopping clichés sabotage people's chances of healthy intimacy
In-between this false bind of a 'F* YES or a F* NO' - there's something called "Maybe", and "I don't know yet" and "Let's see what's here".
That can grow into "This is starting to feel really good", and "Wow, I never would have imagined this could be so beautiful".
It can be very challenging to navigate those in-between spaces in dating & relationships when a person has an Insecure attachment style (Anxious-attachment, Avoidant attachment & Disorgnised attachment).
The capacity to navigate those in-between spaces is greatly enhanced when a person is working towards Secure Attachment - which is an intentional & comprehensive process of updating your attachment style, which takes time & a LOT of dedication & support.
Over-simplified catchphrases like this often misguide people.
They lack nuance & they are often not grounded in reality.
The way we think about love & relating has a real-world impact on our lives.
- Serdar Hararovich
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*** INVALIDATION, Gaslighting & Emotional Abuse ***
INVALIDATION is being told you are too "defensive" or "sensitive" while YOU are the one being emotionally and verbally attacked.
INVALIDATION is saying you feel unsafe - and being told that "safety is just an illusion".
INVALIDATION (and in some cases, manipulation) is being accused of "Gaslighting" someone when you have done no such thing.
INVALIDATION is being told you are "too in your head" - as if there's something wrong with using your brain to solve issues it has evolved over millions of years to solve.
INVALIDATION is being told you just need to "forgive" - as if they know what you need better than you do.
INVALIDATION is being told "come on, it's not that bad".
INVALIDATION is telling yourself, "other people have it worse, so I can't complain".
INVALIDATION is being told "you just need to love yourself more" - by people who were loved by dozens of people before ever loving themselves.
INVALIDATION is being told that you "just need to be more grateful" - when what you might ACTUALLY need is to allow your anger, frustration or grief.
INVALIDATION is being told you are "privileged" by people who know nothing about your actual life experiences & challenges.
INVALIDATION is being told you are "needy" by someone who can't admit that THEY are incapable of meeting your needs.
INVALIDATION & Dehumanisation is being labelled by others who don't know you, nor will ever be able to grasp the depths of who you are or the life you have lived.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU EXPERIENCE EMOTIONAL NEGLECT?
Most parents do their best.
However, the combination of raising children in a productivity-obsessed industrial society, toxic cultural pressures and norms and other traumas have a profound effect on the emotional health of children.
When we don't receive enough love, consistency, emotional attunement and positive validation as a child, here are 5 symptoms that this can show up as an adult:
- YOU ARE HARD ON YOURSELF
We internalise a view of ourselves from our early experiences with our parents. When we don't receive the kind of safety, love & kindness we all need as children, we can internalise a harsh and critical view of ourselves.
- YOU JUDGE, SHAME OR FIND FAULT IN OTHERS
When our sense of worth has not been developed in a healthy way yet, we may resort to judging other people in order to feel ok about ourselves, to fend off the internalised shame we are often carrying after not having received the love & kindness we needed.
Instead of feeling worthy just as we are, we may only feel good when we see ourselves as higher or better than others in some way.
- YOU USE DRUGS OR ALCOHOL TO EXPERIENCE INSTANT CONNECTION WITH OTHERS.
As we weren't modelled healthy & secure attachment, this is a way of experiencing the positive feelings of at least SOME connection, even though it rarely lasts and is often insecure & distressing.
In some communities, re-enactments of early unstable, neglectful attachment bonds like this are called Twin Flames, going with the flow, letting love guide us, unconditional love, and dozens of other names that are given to the coping mechanism of learning how to live without our human needs for security, safety and connection.
For many people, they had to learn how to tolerate the intolerable as children, and this is now sometimes romanticised as an evolved form of relating.
- YOU CONFUSE INSTANT CHEMISTRY FOR LOVE.
When healthy bonding is missing in our early experiences, we don't know what it looks like and what it feels like.
Instant Connection allows us to feel a temporary high that we can seek out again and again.
Ultimately though, it can mask the underlying issue of not having a secure & healthy model of attachment which is absolutely essential to develop in order to experience authentic, secure intimacy that is deeper and more sustainable.
- YOU HAVE WEAK OR VAGUE BOUNDARIES.
We learn about ourselves and our needs from the careful emotional attunement and consistent, warm presence & mirroring of our caregivers.
From this foundation of safety, we can also explore ourselves and our environment to discover who we are.
When that is lacking, or if we experience the total opposite,
Then we don't learn about our needs and our boundaries, or how to honour & communicate about them in relationships in a healthy way.
These are just 5 signs, there are many others.
Childhood emotional neglect is more common than many people realise, and the beginning of healing is compassionate awareness.
- Serdar Hararovich
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ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT HEALING
Anxiously attached individuals are sometimes totally repelled by emotionally healthy, secure people.
Their early experiences in life tragically made them expect to be treated poorly, and that's what feels like home.
Even though CONSCIOUSLY they deeply desire healthy partnership - UNCONSCIOUSLY they can be doing everything to prevent it from ever occurring.
First, they rarely date Secure individuals.
They are typically only attracted to people who make them feel insecure and unworthy.
Such people re-inforce their pre-existing, unconscious 'map' of connection which often is:
"I am not enough, and people will realise that and leave me.
When I feel anxious, that's what love and attraction is."
Although on the surface that might seem like a terrible reason to be attracted to someone,
Attachment & attraction doesn't work on the surface of logic.
It works on the level of what you got used to between the ages of 0-2.
Even if they meet a Secure person,
They will often categorise that person as either too needy or too emotionally unavailable.
They may treat the person not as a secure, stable & emotionally healthy person, but as the person who's going to leave/abandon/betray them just like others have done in the past.
As such, they push away people that would be wonderful partners for them.
Working on specific traumas can be helpful,
But it doesn't lead to changing a person's internal map of connection and becoming Securely Attached.
For that, you need to experience an entirely new map of connection.
One in which you are deeply worthy on an embodied level,
Where people who value you + show up in a healthy way are attractive,
and where connection finally feels secure, safe, and stable.
There is only process that has ever been created to help people do this, and it's the most profound thing I've ever experienced.
Until this happens, anxiously-attached people often play out the same patterns in their lives for decades.
To change these patterns requires more than awareness and feel-good affirmations,
It requires commitment, dedication, and a level of embodied self-love,
Meaning a willingness to invest in yourself for the long run.
If you would like to go into 2023 embodying your most Secure, confident & easeful self,
and aligning with the kind of soulful, secure intimacy that changes people's lives and changed my life forever,
I am offering a limited number of discovery calls for those who are serious about becoming the version of themselves that has always been inside them,
The Secure, thriving self in you that has just been waiting for the right conditions to finally flourish.
Go to the link in my bio, or send me a message now if you feel the call.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
Having strong boundaries is basically saying "I exist, and my needs matter."
For anyone who experienced emotional neglect or trauma growing up, that's often the exact OPPOSITE of the message they received about themselves.
We may have instead internalised the belief that:
- We are to be ignored.
- Our needs are not important.
- Our preferences are not significant
- We can only have love if we hide ourselves, including our desires, needs and limits.
This is why mastering healthy boundaries can be the most challenging thing of all for many people, yet the most important.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
*** THE SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY ***
When you are expecting things to go wrong in a relationship - or with someone you are dating - they often do.
Why?
When you're always on edge, you're not yourself.
You're not showing up as your authentic, vibrant self.
You're showing up as the person who's half-expecting to be hurt, abandoned, constrained by love, or any other fear that may be lurking under the surface of your consciousness.
You're showing up as 10% you in the present moment - and 90% your past betrayals, fears, insecurities and resentments.
People feel that. They feel something is off. They feel that you aren't fully with them.
Some won't be able to pinpoint what it is that they are sensing, or how to talk about it. But they feel it.
And what often happens is people start pulling away.
Whether emotionally or physically, they start looking elsewhere.
Because although they want to be with you, they can't feel you.
So they start looking for something or someone they can actually feel.
They are half gone.
The thing you wanted so deeply, the deeper connection, starts slipping away.
You might start desperately trying to get it back, but it rarely works.
Some say "it just isn't meant to be" because that sounds nicer than the reality of what is happening.
Or, they will just blame the other person. The other person has blockages. It's always about the other person.
But that's just giving your power away to other people.
Some people have been doing that for many years.
It doesn't have to be this way.
This pattern can be interrupted, and doing so essential in order to experience deep, authentic, soulful intimacy.
But changing patterns doesn't come easily.
In order to heal this painful pattern, you will need to internalise a deep sense of safety and security so that you can begin showing up more fully in the present moment, as your true self.
This is what I love supporting people with, because I searched everywhere for years until I found something that actually helped me to do this in a deeply embodied way.
You deserve to feel loved and cherished in your wholeness, but without bringing safety and security to the parts of you that won't allow that yet, it's hard to ever let that love in.
I only know because I experienced this for most of my life.
Many people will ignore this and say, "I just need to find the right person", and those are the people that I unfortunately cannot support.
Some people are determined to outsource their power to the fantasy of the "The One" who will save them, and that can go on for decades until the reality eventually hits.
For those who want to take back their power and be done with these patterns forever,
Those who want the next month and a half leading into 2023 to be a whole new paradigm of deep, authentic, secure intimacy - I'm offering a limited number of free discovery calls for the next 24 hours.
Send me a message or comment if you want to take up this offer.
If you're ready for this, let's do it. Don't put it off. It's time for a new way of being.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
RED-FLAGS IN DATING
Being able to accurately identify Red-Flags is an essential part of finding a healthy partner.
However, some people get stuck with the belief that by constantly looking for red-flags, this means they will be safe.
But for many people, this can actually amplify their mistrust of intimacy and can keep them out of healthy, safe relationships.
It's actually how we RESPOND to red-flags that allows us to create safety and security in our love life.
Depending on the red-flag, we may need to have a mature conversation about a non-negotiable.
We may need to collaboratively address a concern.
Or we may need to set a boundary.
In some cases, we may actually need to end the connection.
But if the only tools in our toolkit are staying or leaving - we will lack the nuanced skills of mature intimacy.
Which includes the recognition that even healthy partners can display some behaviours that concern us or make us feel unsafe.
The deeper work is learning how to respond to that in an effective way.
That work is more nuanced than simply identifying red-flags or non-negotiables. While that is important,
This is the work of learning the art of authentic, soulful intimacy.
- Identifying the difference between mistrust we feel based on past experiences vs the mistrust we feel based on present day actions.
- Having self-awareness of how we contribute to relational outcomes.
- Learning the differences between boundaries & trying to control people.
- The skill of collaborative repair.
- Communicating clear standards in ways that others understand.
- Communicating in ways that are safe and effective, instead of ways that are more like to make people defensive.
- Expressing needs and desires in healthy ways.
These are the kinds of skills that help people not just avoid unhealthy partners,
But also cultivate healthy, safe relationships with emotionally healthy partners.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
There is another reason so many people over-give, people-please and avoid owning their authentic truth.
IT'S EASIER.
....At least in the short term.
Owning your own unique needs is HARD
Because it means YOU have become the determiner of your worth - not other people's approval of you.
That's a big leap.
Your weird boundaries, your highly specific needs, are all uniquely yours, and if we aren't anchored in our own worth,
We will abandon our authentic truth to be liked and loved.
We will pretzel ourselves into the shape that seemingly best fits others.
Knowing that your choices may be disliked, hated, judged and gossiped about isn't easy.
Not everyone is ready to forge their own way in life despite the consequences.
It's much easier to just go along with things, play nice, accommodate and pander to the crowd.
Of course, in the long term, you have sacrificed your life's path to the altar of other's approval.
But at least people didn't say anything bad about you.
As always, life is about choices.
The choice to fully embody your worthiness in this life is one of the most powerful you can make.
It's the path where you come home to you.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
*** 5 SIGNS we are dating from our WOUNDED/CHILD SELF ***
- BLAME:
Blaming our partners/dates is a common sign we are operating out of our wounded self.
When we blame others for our own relationship and dating patterns, we are giving away our power to others.
We are in a younger part of ourselves who hasn't been compassionately guided into taking responsibility for our lives.
Blame can look like calling people "selfish" or saying they are not being "Feminine" or "Masculine" enough,
Finding some way to make other people the problem.
The alternative to blaming others is NOT blaming ourselves - it's actually exiting the blame game entirely.
That usually takes time to learn how to do - it took me years to fully integrate what that means.
- FRUSTRATION:
Feeling chronic frustration with our partner(s) means we lack skills to be able to resolve the underlying issues.
Instead of investing the time, commitment & getting the right support it often takes to develop these new skills,
We might resort to blame, shame or guilt-trips.
When they don't work well, we naturally feel deeply frustrated that things aren't changing.
- LABELLING:
Labelling other people in a derogatory, insulting or belittling manner often stems from frustration and emotional dysregulation.
This leaves a lasting impact, creating a deep lack of emotional safety in a connection that is often never repaired.
We might also use words like "avoidant", "toxic", "narcissist" or other mental health term in an irresponsible manner that's designed to put other people down and make them the scapegoat.
- EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATOIN:
Emotional dysregulation means lacking the skills to be able to regulate our emotions in a mature way.
Emotional regulation includes things like impulse control:
When we don't have good impulse control, we might block someone as soon as we feel triggered about something.
We might lash out at them with anger before regulating our emotions.
This has an immensely negative impact on our ability to form healthy connections with others.
We are operating out of a younger self as we haven't been guided in how to operate out of our more mature self
We might even believe that we should be able to do it because we have "Awareness" about our patterns,
Not being willing to accept that awareness isn't enough.
- ONGOING PATTERNS:
When we have experienced these signs, and they are a recurring theme in our dating or love life,
Then it becomes clear that we have ongoing relationship patterns in our lives.
When we are operating from our younger self, we can sometimes remain stuck with these patterns for decades,
Because our child self doesn't know how to deal with these situations.
That's why they keep repeating.
It needs us - the Adult self - to step up.
Saying "I can figure it out on my own", and then repeating the same patterns for years is not stepping up.
It's another abandonment of your inner child.
Please don't do that to yourself.
We can lovingly guide our younger self to develop new tools, new approaches and to find effective support that can help us to truly transform our lives.
Our inner child is waiting for our Adult self to show up for us.
Waiting for us to take full ownership of the direction of our lives, and utilise all the support that is available.
- Serdar Hararovich
*** 5 SIGNS we are dating from our WOUNDED/CHILD SELF ***
- BLAME:
Blaming our partners/dates is a common sign we are operating out of our wounded self.
When we blame others for our own relationship and dating patterns, we are giving away our power to others.
We are in a younger part of ourselves who hasn't been compassionately guided into taking responsibility for our lives.
Blame can look like calling people "selfish" or saying they are not being "Feminine" or "Masculine" enough,
Finding some way to make other people the problem.
The alternative to blaming others is NOT blaming ourselves - it's actually exiting the blame game entirely.
That usually takes time to learn how to do - it took me years to fully integrate what that means.
- FRUSTRATION:
Feeling chronic frustration with our partner(s) means we lack skills to be able to resolve the underlying issues.
Instead of investing the time, commitment & getting the right support it often takes to develop these new skills,
We might resort to blame, shame or guilt-trips.
When they don't work well, we naturally feel deeply frustrated that things aren't changing.
- LABELLING:
Labelling other people in a derogatory, insulting or belittling manner often stems from frustration and emotional dysregulation.
This leaves a lasting impact, creating a deep lack of emotional safety in a connection that is often never repaired.
We might also use words like "avoidant", "toxic", "narcissist" or other mental health term in an irresponsible manner that's designed to put other people down and make them the scapegoat.
- EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATOIN:
Emotional dysregulation means lacking the skills to be able to regulate our emotions in a mature way.
Emotional regulation includes things like impulse control:
When we don't have good impulse control, we might block someone as soon as we feel triggered about something.
We might lash out at them with anger before regulating our emotions.
This has an immensely negative impact on our ability to form healthy connections with others.
We are operating out of a younger self as we haven't been guided in how to operate out of our more mature self
We might even believe that we should be able to do it because we have "Awareness" about our patterns,
Not being willing to accept that awareness isn't enough.
- ONGOING PATTERNS:
When we have experienced these signs, and they are a recurring theme in our dating or love life,
Then it becomes clear that we have ongoing relationship patterns in our lives.
When we are operating from our younger self, we can sometimes remain stuck with these patterns for decades,
Because our child self doesn't know how to deal with these situations.
That's why they keep repeating.
It needs us - the Adult self - to step up.
Saying "I can figure it out on my own", and then repeating the same patterns for years is not stepping up.
It's another abandonment of your inner child.
Please don't do that to yourself.
We can lovingly guide our younger self to develop new tools, new approaches and to find effective support that can help us to truly transform our lives.
Our inner child is waiting for our Adult self to show up for us.
Waiting for us to take full ownership of the direction of our lives, and utilise all the support that is available.
- Serdar Hararovich
Artwork: "Love" by Ukrainian artist Alexander Milov, 2015
---
The modern world is busy.
The strain it puts on parents & families is immense.
As much as our parents may have tried, while many of us got our material needs met as children -
Many of our deeper emotional needs went by the wayside.
Many of us did not receive the type of attuned, deeply present, curious caregiving that we all need in order to feel truly Whole in ourselves.
We learn who we are, what makes us valuable, and how we navigate closeness in those early years - the brain is 80% formed by age 3.
It is 90% formed by age 5.
When our parents are not fully, lovingly or consistently there for us, the impact of this is ingrained in the deepest parts of our being.
We may not have learned how to connect Securely with others,
Then as adults we feel overly anxious or avoidant in intimacy.
We may not have had a chance to fully explore who we are, our emotions, our needs.
We may not have had a chance to discover that it's safe to be authentic.
We may not have had a chance to feel deeply safe in ourselves, period.
Or we may not have had the chance to find our soul's path,
especially if there was an agenda of who we are meant to be placed on us.
What I learned was that it wasn't safe to be me - that I had to disconnect from my authentic self in order to survive.
I learned that there was a certain agenda for who I was meant to be,
And all the love & safety I needed, depended on playing that role.
What about you?
We find ways of coping and adjusting to our experiences - because we have to. But it leaves an impact on us.
We might become perfectionists who's sense of worth is tied to what we do, not who we are.
We might become very successful, hoping that fills the holes inside us.
We might become someone who adapts to other people's needs in order to get love.
We might become someone who chooses partners who remind us of our early experiences,
Looking for someone to fill the holes in us,
While blaming them if they choose not to play that role.
Everyone copes in different ways.
Being aware of these things isn't enough to change.
If it was, the whole world would already be healed.
Patterns which have been ingrained and re-enforced for decades don't go away so easily.
It takes times, dedication, investment and commitment.
I would say the #1 thing that separates people who successfully heal from their past experiences,
And those who are still working on it decades later,
Is commitment and focus.
There is an endless amount of wacky healing modalities out there.
I tried pretty much all of them before I focused on healing my early attachment wounds,
Which is what allowed me to truly heal.
Commitment and focus is about saying "No" to distractions,
"No" to trying to shortcut our healing
"No" to another random Peak Experience
and "Yes" to real, grounded, gradual healing work that actually works.
The truth is these patterns often stay with us until we receive attuned, present and compassionate guidance to return to ourselves, our power, and our Wholeness again.
This is what I needed most of all, and it's what I now offer others.
We don't become a different person - we just become more of who we really are, living our lives in a new way.
A way that is more easeful, peaceful, enriching and fulfilling on a deeper level.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
WHEN LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH
If only loving people deeply were enough to create a healthy partnership.
It's common for people to feel if they just love enough, things will work out - that what's meant to be, will be.
However, I know from my own experiences that although it's nice to think that way,
It's just as true that my lack of relationship skills, and ability to communicate skillfully, was a large component of why I kept repeating the same patterns in my relationships.
I was the common denominator, and although it was easy to point the finger at others, at some point I had to take ownership of the trajectory of my life.
Rather than passively saying "what's meant to be will be"
I had to look at why I was attracting what I attracted - why am I loving people who aren't available to reciprocate it?
I had to explore why I responded in the ways I did - how do I honour my boundaries better and express my needs in healthy ways, instead of blaming others for not respecting them?
And how to grow and heal so that I could truly align with the most rewarding and soulful intimacy of my life?
So there is good news.
People who love deeply - often become the most INCREDIBLE partners once the choose to invest in developing their emotional regulation & communication skills.
When such people combine their big love with these practical tools, they often become a relationship superstar.
The potential in their heart for deeply rewarding intimacy can truly blossom with the supportive structure of advanced relational skills.
These skills allow them to not just FEEL love,
But to DO love. The verb. The art of healthy relating.
Feeling love towards someone is easy - but loving them well is an art.
To love someone well involves many skills:
- Learning how to regulate one's emotions
- Learning how to work with our mistrust, so that we can love in deeper and more authentic ways
- Learning how to respond instead of react
- Learning how to communicate desires and needs in effective ways
- Learning the difference between control and boundaries
- Learning how to honour our boundaries fully so we don't fall into resentment,
- Learning how to communicate about little things before they become big things.
+ Much, much more
This is exactly what I support people with in my 1:1 coaching work, as well as what we are going to be sharing with people in our upcoming course.
If you are ready to truly honour the depth of your heart with the skills that will transform your love life, send me a message now to book a free call with me or check out the link in my bio.
---
ATTACHMENT AS A DIRTY WORD
Attachment Theory is the biological and psychological study of how human beings attach to others - and what happens when something interrupts the process of forming Healthy, Secure attachment as children.
In some places, 'Attachment' is a dirty word.
Yet in reality, it's a beautiful part of what makes us Human, and it's also the basis of love itself!
Attachment + love are deeply linked, and there's nothing wrong with that.
We don't have to 'purify' love by detaching it from the human needs that come along with it.
There is no actual impurity there, other than the one we generate when we say:
"Non-attachment = good. Attachment = bad, unspiritual, unevolved".
SECURE ATTACHMENT
It's actually ok to be human and to have human needs & desires that naturally come along with feelings of love.
Not only is it ok, it's healthy.
Human beings thrive in healthy, reciprocal, harmonious relationships.
They are based on owning our needs, being able to meet them in a variety of ways outside of the relationship, while also collaboratively working with those needs together in a balanced way.
That means neither demanding our needs get met by our partner, nor ignoring our needs.
AVOIDANCE
When we deny our needs, we may go into hyper-independance.
This is associated with the Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style, where we have a DEACTIVATED attachment system
We may believe "Everything I need is inside me", because as a child there may have not been a safe person to turn to in our most vulnerable moments of life, so naturally we give up on having relational needs.
So we develop this brilliant coping mechanism of repressing our needs, until one day we may discover it's finally safe to have them again with a person is safe enough to allow that to happen.
Underlying Belief: "I have to rely on nothing but myself now. It's not safe to attach. I will never allow myself to ever feel as scared and vulnerable as I felt back then."
ANXIETY
On the other end of the spectrum, when our needs have been denied to us as children, we may fall into Codependency as adults.
This is associated with the Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment style, where we have a hyper-activated attached system as a result of inconsistency and unreliability as children.
By worrying more than usual, attaching sooner than is appropriate, and using protest behaviours to get attention, this was our brilliant but stressful way of having more of our basic needs met as children.
Underlying Belief: "I need to be constantly alert, always looking out for abandonment and trying to prevent it because as soon as I let go of control, you'll be gone and I'll be devastated."
Healing is possible for all of these ways we learnt to cope.
The process I use supports people in a gentle, compassionate, yet highly effective way to repattern old habits & beliefs at the deepest level - while creating the conditions for the Secure, Confident, Authentic & Easeful self that is inside you to emerge & truly thrive.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
The 5 Most Common Ways We Keep Love Away
1. Passiveness.
Instead of moving towards love, taking action, making ourselves available and reaching out to someone - we might instead say "If it's meant to be, it will happen".
Sometimes, there are even disempowering gender roles woven into this which mistakenly claim "If he was interested, he would reach out. I shouldn't look interested."
2. Hyper-judgementalism.
This is where we judge a person before even getting to know them, based on very little information, which we make generalisations & assumptions about which cause us to prematurely put them in the "No" pile.
We may also do this as a way to reject others before they can reject us.
3. Mistrust.
It's understandable when we have painful past experiences to then feel mistrust in partners.
When we don't have the tools to manage that mistrust in healthy ways, we may continue looking for evidence to match our worst-case scenarios - even with safe partners (through a psychological process called "Confirmation Bias"), thereby creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
4. Weak Boundaries.
When we have poor boundary skills, we can feel less safe in connection & we may not trust ourselves to honour our needs for safety & security - and therefore, in order to feel more safe, we may use avoidance, withdrawal, hyper-judgementalism, or any other method of keeping ourselves away from deepening into the intimacy that we fear.
5. Insecure Attachment.
Insecure Attachment means we have 1 of the 3 Styles of Insecure Attachment: Anxious, Dismissive Avoidant, or Fearful Avoidant.
These attachment styles - when we aren't managing them well and working towards Security - can cause us to:
A. Push away healthy partners through our old coping mechanisms, and
B. Become attracted & attached to people who aren't a good fit for us, thereby making us unavailable for love with a more aligned partner.
Love is a deeply vulnerable experience, and there is no shame in not being ready to enter into that vulnerable space. There is no shame in seeking safety through these different ways of avoiding the vulnerabilities of love.
However, to create enough safety in ourselves and work with our fears in order to open to the power of love, is something everyone can do when they feel ready and desire to do so.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
"SAFETY IS JUST AN ILLUSION" - This is false.
Wearing a seatbelt ACTUALLY makes you safer.
Talking to a safe, compassionate person actually helps you integrate trauma.
Knowing how to co-create a deep sense of security + trust with your partner actually helps you thrive by having a solid foundation.
Having mutually-agreed upon agreements, standards and boundaries that support your sense of security in a connection actually helps.
Beliefs like "safety is an illusion" are why the spiritual community has people looping through trauma for many years + in & out of destabilising, insecure relating.
Human beings thrive in safe, reliable, secure connections with others.
Meanwhile, everything from our nervous system to our immune system is profoundly impacted by a lack of relational security.
This has nothing to do with Codependency, which is a sense of safety created through enmeshment, covert agreements & control
(Very not recommended)
Security is also not limited to monogamy:
A monogamous relationship can be just as insecure as non-monogamous one.
And likewise, in some circumstances, an open relationship can feel just as secure as a healthy monogamous one.
Either way, sticking around in chronically unstable, insecure connections to 'do the work' doesn't lead to Enlightenment and the promised land of complete healing & blissful completion.
If this was true, there would be whole lot of people who should be Enlightened right now.
Instead, in my experience working with many people, it's more often a trauma response.
One that I am also intimately familiar with in myself.
The underlying belief is this:
"I don't deserve a sense of peace & safety, nor have I ever experienced that to know that I can have it or what it even looks like.
So I will bargain, tolerate, repress and endure in order to get these breadcrumbs of connection from the person I love."
This is not to say that any connection that brings up triggers, pain and a lack of safety is inherently doomed or flawed - not at all!
Those triggers will always come up.
ALL connections bring up our stuff, sometimes intensely so.
The difference, is whether the person you are with is willing and able to co-create security with you.
And just as importantly, whether you are learning the skills to do so as well.
If security is a co-creation, then if I choose not to learn how to communicate in a safe way, that would mean I would be co-creating a lack of safety. This is common.
This is why I am passionate about sharing with others tools to co-create emotional safety, grounded in what works.
No more swinging between one extreme to the other:
Both Inner Security & Relational Security are crucial.
Safety is where the healing happens.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
WOULD YOU RATHER BE LIKED OR RESPECTED?
Here's something to keep in mind about boundaries:
- Your boundaries, limits & standards WILL be judged by others.
Yes, it's important to learn how to express boundaries in a loving way, because our loved one's deserve our kindness, alongside our truth.
That's a skill anyone can learn with enough commitment & practice.
However, that still won't stop you from offending someone, somewhere.
When you stop people-pleasing, you WILL be seen as cold, rude, unfriendly and horrible by someone out there - often people with poor boundaries themselves.
You can live your life based on avoiding their judgement and thereby constantly abandoning yourself by trying to manage people's thoughts about you.
Or, you can start to actually live by YOUR standards, YOUR values and YOUR needs.
We don't get an award at the end of life that says: "You did nothing controversial & nobody ever had a bad thought about you. Congratulations!"
At some point, I stopped making my choices based on what other's might think of them.
It wasn't a conscious decision, it's more like a side-effect of the gradual and ongoing process of discovering who I really am and what matters to ME.
This is the truth of who I am, emerging from the shell of the person I was when I was severely traumatised & in exile from myself.
The Me who never knew that what matters to him, actually matters.
Now I choose to live more based on what I think of myself. To me that sounds like:
- Is this in integrity with myself & my agreements with others?
- How can I say that with kindness?
- How can I honour the parts of me that I have neglected?
- Am I accepting other people's path in life?
- Am I upholding the same standards of treatment towards myself that I extend to others?
- Am I still performing based on what I assume other's might need, or am I respecting their ability to verbalise it?
- Am I speaking the truth as best as I can possibly discern it?
- Did I speak up, even when it was unpopular?
- Was I courageous with my authenticity?
- Am I expressing my love generously?
- Did I help others along the way?
- Is this in service of justice for the disadvantaged & for the less powerful?
Getting crystal clear about my values & aligning with them has given me a much greater sense of fulfilment than anything ever has before.
I was being blown around by my addictions that pulled me out of integrity, my unresolved trauma and my need for random people's approval.
In answer to the question, "Would you rather be liked or respected?" my answer is this:
As long as I respect myself, the rest can fall where it may.
- Serdar Hararovich
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This is not a person "faking" emotion.
This is a person experiencing real distress.
I know what some might be thinking,
"How could you be so easily manipulated?"
"How could you be fooled by an obvious hoax?"
And some people will just leave it there, and go on with their lives.
For those who are actually curious, let me elaborate on how I formed my view. Go on a little journey with me.
I'm going to talk about some important ideas, and then I'll elaborate on how they relate to this trial.
*** THE POWER OF SUGGESTION ***
The power of suggestion is one of my favourite psychological discoveries.
An example of how it works is when a wine expert rates the taste of wines.
When you give a sommelier or wine expert an expensive wine - a high-end brand - their ratings for the more expensive wines are generally very favourable.
But something interesting happens when you do a certain experiment.
If you take away all the labels of the brands and ask them to rate the taste of wine without knowing which is which:
They often rate some of the CHEAPEST wine as having the FINEST taste.
Meanwhile, some of the most expensive wines - $3,000 bottles - get absolutely dumped on by the same wine experts.
In other words, when the higher-end label/price implants the suggestion that it's a high quality wine - and that's what their brain finds evidence for.
Even if it's the opposite of what they experience when the 'suggestion' is then taken away.
When the power of suggestion implants the idea that it's a low-quality or low-price wine, that's what they find evidence for aswell - Even though when they taste it objectively, without influence, they sometimes rate it as having the best taste.
The power of suggestion heavily influences our embodied experience & perceptions in many fascinating ways.
It's important to state that being suggestible has no relationship to intelligence. Even the most highly intelligent people are influenced by the power of suggestion.
I'll elaborate on how this applies to the trial, but first let's also look at "framing".
*** FRAMING ***
An obvious example of framing was during the OJ Simpson trial.
The lawyers very intelligently 'framed' the debate around whether a glove fit OJ's hand.
The jury & the public's attention was diverted away from all the circumstantial evidence, and instead, focused on what the lawyers wanted everyone to focus on: Whether the glove fit his hand.
All the reasons you might have to think that OJ committed those murders became less signficant.
How? His lawyers kept saying: "If the glove doesn't fit - you must acquit."
This is "framing". It's setting up the way you want others to perceive an event from a very narrow lens or frame that serves your personal agenda.
*** CONTEXT ***
The other thing to note is that there's a reason lawyers are paid as much as they are.
On the one hand, they provide an important & essential service, and on the other hand, they sometimes have the ability to turn reality on its head.
Even in cases where it's an open/shut case and it's obvious to EVERYONE what happened - they can find ways to cast doubt not only on the evidence, but also on the victim.
Turning reality on its head by using highly effective tactics is a very lucrative skill to have.
The legal system can be quite lucrative to large organisations, people with a lot of money, and tax evaders.
This is context. Context is everything.
Lacking perspective & context while believing we are "experts" on something is the norm these days.
When you begin to get a sense of the complexity of a particular field of study, and how little you actually know in comparison, you now have something else aswell - humility & perspective.
*** APPLYING THIS TO THE TRIAL ***
Context means realising that there were zero actual domestic violence experts testifying at the trial.
Context means knowing that you can always find a psychologist that supports your case.
Context means realising that this trial already happened several years ago - in the UK, where he was accused of being a wife beater & he sued.
He lost that trial. The Judge said that 12 out of 14 cases of abuses that Amber alleged, had been proven to a civil standard.
Case closed.
Context means understanding that if your client has lost a trial based on the actual evidence, you're probably going to need a different approach.
Enter: the power of suggestion & framing.
The case in the UK was presided over by a single Judge.
In the US, it was going to be a Jury.
Juries are naturally more emotionally invested in the people involved, and more susceptible to the narratives lawyers can spin, compared to a Judge with extensive experience in such tactics.
The primary way they won this case was by making everyone focus on the believability of Amber Heard.
That was always going to be their #1 tactic.
She's an actress, so of course her entire testimony was 'framed' as an act - even BEFORE she started speaking.
This is how the power of suggestion was used to shape everyone's perception.
Don't look too hard at the evidence - it doesn't matter, because she's lying.
The evidence is fake, she's fake, everything is fake.
Cast doubt on everything.
Even if she WAS telling the truth, she was ALWAYS going to be accused of acting in some way.
When someone tells you another person is a liar, you start listening to them in a different way then you would normally.
The power of suggestion is at hand.
You start to have a question mark around little things that you never would normally notice, and you start to see it from the lens that has been suggested to you.
You start to read into things.
Your mind is looking for the evidence to fit the conclusion.
Millions of people were conditioned to see not a traumatized woman in distress, but a manipulative liar.
And pretty much every single one of those people thinks they are immune to the power of suggestion.
‘Nobody can influence me, I'm 100% objective.’
But that's just not true. We are all constantly being influenced by our surroundings and our internal biases.
This is the outcome of the power of suggestion & framing:
"If she cries, it's proof it's an act."
"If she DOESN'T cry, it's proof she's not really a victim."
"If she stops talking when she's interrupted (which she is legally obliged to do), that's proof it's not a genuine emotion."
"If she DOESN'T stop crying when she's interrupted, that's proof she's manipulating by being over-dramatic."
"If she's too detailed, that means she's making it up."
"If there's even a single detail that doesn't line up perfectly, that means she's making it up."
Do you see how this stuff works?
Anyone who's not trained to spot these things is susceptible to not realising how their perception is being expertly shaped & influenced by a team of highly effective lawyers.
That's one reason trials aren't usually televised.
Regular people with no relevant training, who think their "Intuition" is always right about things, are not good judges of character in a trial.
The reality is that what we think is our "intuition" is often something else entirely & highly influenced by unconscious factors that we simply don't have awareness of. We all overestimate ourselves. Lawyers use this knowledge of human psychology to shape their arguments to Juries.
*** HISTORY ***
It's also what history shows us with examples like the Lindy Chamberlain case in the 1980's.
If you don't know about it, it's a case where literally millions of people were convinced that a woman was lying about what happened to her missing baby.
She claimed that a dingo (a canine native to Australia) took her baby - but everyone believed she killed her own baby.
They were convinced her cries were fake, that she was not acting like a normal grieving mother. They intuitively felt something was "off" about her.
Sound familiar?
With this wave of extreme animosity towards her, she was convicted of killing her baby and sent to prison with basically no evidence against her, by a Jury who was highly influenced by this "groupthink" mentality that she was lying.
Three years later, new evidence came to light that showed she was 100% innocent.
She never lied.
Her crying was always genuine.
Millions of people who thought they were too smart for a woman's manipulation, were completely wrong about her.
"Those who cannot remember the past, are condemned to repeat it." - George Santayana
*** PERSPECTIVE ***
So if the lawyers got everyone to focus on whether Amber is believable or not... what might they have wanted to divert attention away from?
What's the elephant in the room?
Could it be these well-documented characteristics, which Julie A Owens - an expert on domestic violence for 30 years - says fits almost perfectly with the profile of a perpetrator of domestic violence?
- Uncontrollable rages
- Trashes hotel rooms & throws wine bottles when angry
- Multiple ex-partners saying he's controlling, jealous and paranoid
- 22 years older than his ex-wife - an obvious power imbalance
- A man with immense power & wealth
- Admits to head-butting his wife in an audio recording
- Calls women the most vile of names
- "Jokes" about performing grotesque acts on what was his wife-to-be
- Says he will bring global humiliation upon his partner
Is it possible that they didn't want you thinking too hard about what all this means in the big picture scheme of things?
If that was a list about ANY other man in the history of existence, would you still say "No way, he would never abuse a woman"?
Instead of all this,
Apparently what REALLY matters is that Amber stops crying when a lawyer says "objection your honor".
That's framing.
That's the power of suggestion & implanting ideas in your head.
Instead of seeing what's really there, we're being told how to see it.
The reality is, it's a completely normal thing to stop talking or crying when you're being interrupted. Maybe even more so in the unnatural setting of a court room, where you're literally legally obliged to stop talking.
Have you ever been interrupted by a lawyer in a courtroom?
If not, then how exactly did millions of people come to the same exact conclusion that it obviously means someone is faking their abuse?
Confirmation bias is a well-studied cognitive distortion of looking for evidence of a foregone conclusion. And that's exactly what I believe this was.
Instead of all those characteristics about Johnny, we're told what REALLY matters is that 1 out of her many photos of abuse has a filter on it.
Forget about all of the other evidence. That itself clearly means it's all FAKE NEWS!
Even though the filter doesn't even make the bruise look much worse.
Instead of looking at the fact JD is currently being sued for assaulting someone else on a film set, we're supposed to focus on the fact that Amber wrongly said the word "donate" instead of "pledge" to indicate that she's intending to pay off a multi-million dollar donation over several years.
We are led to believe that she concocted a conspiracy to falsely accuse a man... a man who can easily sue her into oblivion.
Why wouldn't she just use her famous actor husband to secure more fame & more movie roles for the rest of her life?
Supposedly, it makes much more sense to waste 5 precious years of your life with someone who you hate so much that you will accuse him of abuse that never occured & then ruin your life in the process?
Think about that logic for a minute.
Really think about whether that makes any sense.
She concocted this faked abuse to gain more fame & money... Even though she was already a rising star, married to one of the most famous men in the world.
She planned all this to get sympathy... Even though she got a restraining order in May 2016, before the MeToo movement was even a thing (October 2017).
She devised the whole master plan... yet she couldn't even bother to make the bruises look worse by hitting herself harder.
Really think about whether any of that makes sense.
I think it's important to acknowledge we all have our biases, and going into this case, so did I.
My bias was actually towards believing JD.
I would love for humanity to understand the more subtle forms of abuse that go under the radar.
Including the subtle ways that women can manipulate men. This is something I have spoken about previously & deserves ongoing attention.
I've never been a "believe all women" advocate because I believe everything should be discerned on it's own merits.
I was at first very impressed by Dr Curry's testimony. She was so confident in her views - it's hard not to get wrapped up in that kind of conviction.
However, with more context, I realised she doesn't specialize in domestic violence, and just because someone is 100% confident in what they're saying, it doesn't make them right.
In fact, in many cases, the more confident someone is, the more questionable what they are saying is.
Highly intelligent & highly knowledgeable people often have a humility about them that makes them less convincing speakers, because they understand that they can't be certain of everything.
Aside from my personal biases, it's clear that others are bringing a whole assortment of their own, and I encourage everyone to inquire into the personal biases that they may be bringing into this case.
That includes the bias which is inherent in the 'Parasocial Relationships' that we form with celebrities who we've grown up with.
It includes the bias involved in finding someone charismatic & charming and liking, or even adoring, their external persona.
I'll end with a quote from Julie A. Owens, an actual expert on domestic violence, who has written a comprehensive assessment of both Amber & Johnny that I highly recommend for further reading.
She says,
"I really didn’t have an opinion about these two people when I started looking into this, because I didn’t know much about either of them. As I read about them both, though, my eyes really started opening when I began to read about Johnny Depp’s history, relationship patterns, public and private behavior, statements, and text messages, and then observed his behavior and demeanor in court, it started to create a picture of who the man is. After examining the facts and considering the entirety of what I now know, I’ve come to the unmistakable and unequivocal conclusion that Johnny Depp’s not only no domestic violence victim, he’s in truth the exact opposite, an abuser with classic abuser beliefs, classic abuser attitudes, and classic abuser behaviors.
Perhaps the biggest obstacle for those who love Johnny Depp and are convinced he couldn’t possibly be an abuser is the fact that he just doesn’t look like one. He seems like a nice, mellow guy. But anyone who really understands the complexities of domestic violence knows this is typical of most abusers, and is why victims so often are accused of lying.
What the legions of global Johnny Depp’s star struck fans just don’t seem to understand is there is simply no evidence he is anything like the beloved characters he plays. The person suing Amber Heard isn’t some rakish pirate or sympathetic creature with scissorhands, and what they’re bingeing on is no harmless miniseries. Hiding in plain sight is the real Depp, inwardly cunning and vindictive but outwardly charming and delightfully quirky. " - Julie A. Owens.
- Serdar Hararovich
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* PART 2: CODEPENDENCY vs HEALTHY INTIMACY *
- Codependency: If you don't do this for me, you must not care about me.
Healthy Intimacy: I appreciate you honouring your boundaries.
- Codependency: If you disappoint me, there's going to be trouble.
Healthy Intimacy: I can handle it when you don't meet my expectations. I love you as a person, not a fantasy.
- Codependency: If you are unhappy with me, that's the end of the world.
Healthy Intimacy: It's ok to be unhappy with each other sometimes. Let's accept that, and talk about it calmly.
- Codependency: I have to hide my real needs & feelings from you to avoid rocking the boat.
Healthy Intimacy: I will talk to you openly about things that come up for me in a loving, conscious way.
- Codependency: If I'm upset, it's your job to figure it out + make it better.
Healthy Intimacy: I care about you deeply, but it's your job to communicate what you need with me.
- Codependency: If I keep crossing the line, you are supposed to forgive me & love me regardless.
Healthy Intimacy: I cherish you, but our relationship has standards & boundaries that must be respected.
- Codependency: You should be able to handle my anger.
Healthy Intimacy: You're allowed to be angry - and it's never ok to hurt me with it.
- Codependency: We have to do things for each other, out of obligation. It's just the rules.
Healthy Intimacy: Let's set agreements, and do what we want to do for each other - out of love. Let's MAKE the rules.
- Serdar Hararovich, Secure Intimacy Coach. 1:1 Coaching & Support now available.
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"THE MASCULINE wants you to SURRENDER, submit and be MULTIORGASMIC!"
Umm, no.
This is a laughable caricature of a Man's desires.
(and yes, I know they claim they don't mean "man" when they say "Masculine")
This is not what I want.
Maybe a Man who's worried about being respected and earning trust.
Maybe someone who wants a subservient partner.
Not me - I don't want you to "submit" to me.
I don't care about your multiorgasmicness.
I want you to be a Woman who relates with me as an emotionally mature ADULT.
There's nothing more beautiful to me than feeling a woman's fullness, her presence, her heart -
Enjoying the depths of a beautiful, authentic connection - as two equals who love and respect each other.
This is magic.
I want her fully with me.
I want a woman who actually expresses herself fully.
AND, most importantly - has the skills to do that in HEALTHY ways.
(For eg. It's one thing to FEEL & process & talk about anger - completely healthy - and another thing to ENACT it through verbal abuse, shaming or demeaning someone.)
I personally don't want a submissive child VS strong parent dynamic in a relationship.
I can't think of anything LESS appealing than that.
I don't want you to "surrender" - what is it this, some kind of battle for power?
In the bedroom is one thing - that is a primal dance of power and presence,
And in that presence, we move with each other in organic, attuned, primordial expressions of our deepest desires.
That is beautiful.
More generally though, a healthy connection is one in which we allow one another to INFLUENCE the other
It's not a one way street - it's not just me influencing you,
It's me allowing myself to be influenced by you too.
That's healthy.
We aren't trying to fight for power, or dominate each other and reject each other's influence.
If that's happening, something is off.
I know some people are used to adversarial relationships, and having a deep mistrust of men - or of men feeling chronically mistrusted.
I have a lot of compassion for those challenges.
But flipping to the other extreme of playing 1950s gender roles and telling women to "surrender" as a bandaid solution to everything is not what I will ever suggest.
In my experience, what helps the most is working with mistrust in completely new ways.
Learning to do conflict better.
Learning how to communicate in healthier ways.
Creating safety in a connection.
Collaboration.
These are skills that take time and practice.
It's requires understanding each other better - through genuine curiosity, vulnerability and authenticity
Not just her being vulnerable because that's what the "Feminine" is supposed to do -
Both of us need to learn how to be vulnerable.
This is the skillset of a collaborative partnership.
Something many of us - including myself - were never taught how to do.
It's a commitment to grounded healing and evolution.
In a world of quick dopamine hits & buzzword overnight solutions
I understand that's not something everyone is interested in.
But it's often the exact thing that brings the deepest fulfilment and joy into people's lives.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
*** DESIRES VS DEMANDS: Healthy Communication ***
Sometimes we don't know what to ask for, so we just get upset when someone doesn't show up for us the way we want.
Reasons we don't ask for what we want include:
- Not wanting to be a burden
- Not wanting to appear needy or demanding
- Not wanting to rock the boat
- Feeling too vulnerable
- Wanting the other person to figure it out
- Not wanting to risk the connection
Yet this dynamic is often the very REASON a connection ends.
Asking for what you want is very different to demanding it.
A demand puts someone in a position of obligation.
An ask is just a request, and a good request also contains curiosity about what the other person is available for.
DEMAND: "You hardly respond to my messages. I need you to respond to me more regularly."
REQUEST: "I would love to more connected with you when we are apart.
I've been creating a story in my head when I send you a message and you don't reply, it means you're losing interest and I worry about losing you.
I would love to have clarity around this, and to see if our preferences for communication could be a win win for both of us. Are you open to talking about this?"
Because we don't want to make a demand, we often don't say anything at all - until we get frustrated that the person hasn't read our mind and then it comes out as an ultimatum.
And many times, THIS is what results in promising connections ending.
It's not necessarily incompatibility,
It's a lack of healthy communication on both sides, and it's very common.
I go more detail into this and much more in my brand new Webinar, "UNDERSTAND HIM".
Link in bio & story. Don't miss this opportunity to access some of the most profound truths about relating with Men.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
** The tenderness of a Man's heart **
The less we understand each other, the less we trust each other.
Without real understanding,
It's our assumptions, projections & covert expectations that always fill in the gaps.
When we think the reason our partner or lover did or didn't do something, is because they don't care about us,
When the real reason is something else,
We will often protect our hearts from them, until we understand them again, disarmed by the truth we couldn't see.
We might even try to subtly hurt the other - the same way we feel hurt by the idea of them not caring about us.
I see this dynamic, this type of painful misunderstanding in clients who come to me all the time.
I see the promising connections that are ending,
I see the relationships in tumoil,
As people fill in the gaps with their painful past experiences, their assumptions,
Beliefs we took on from society,
Ideas that we absorbed from others who themselves are confused & hurt,
Is it any wonder so many painful, tumultuous connections exist between Men & Women?
It doesn't have to be this way.
To truly understand a man,
To be willing to be curious and know him
In a way you have never before known a man,
To be with his heart in a way that nobody has ever been with his heart but himself,
Is the beginning of true partnership with him.
Just as his willingness to understand a Woman
Through his deep presence and attunement,
Is the beginning of his true partnership with Her.
True partnership -
Collaborative, reciprical, nourishing, respectful, accepting, deeply loving & authentic..
To truly understand a man,
Not the fantasy that's been sold to many Women,
Not the misguided simplifications,
Not the villainization,
No
The imperfect, raw truth of a Man's heart
And the tenderness that lays within him
This is the opening
To the most beautiful & soulful connection of all.
UNDERSTAND HIM - My new webinar is now available.
It's all about creating deep, soulful intimacy with Men,
With authenticity & emotional safety at the heart of it all.
Link in bio & my story.
---
EXTERNAL validation is a necessity for each and every human being on the planet.
The problem is that the ways in which most people try and get that validation, don’t actually give them the type and quality of validation they need, so therefore they become hungry for more and more of it, just like junk food.
It becomes an endless merry-go-round, often at the expense of one’s finances and happiness.
We need what we need. And we will do whatever we have to do to get it - consciously or unconsciously.
If however you find a way to get your needs met effectively and intentionally, the cycle ends when it needs to, and your attention can turn to other pursuits.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
* THE DESIRE FOR LOVE - AND THE VULNERABILITY OF INTIMACY *
For most of my adult life, a big part of me has yearned deeply for love & connection.
Yet at the same time, I was pushing it away, avoiding it, judging it and finding it "boring" unless it fit my pre-concieved notions of how it's supposed to look like.
One of the most important realisations of my life was that someone can DEEPLY desire love - while also being AFRAID of true intimacy.
I don't just mean the intimacy of being in a relationship - anyone can be in a relationship.
I mean the deeper intimacy of actually allowing someone to truly know you, to truly see you, and to know your deepest truths and vulnerabilities - whether in relationship or not.
What are the most common signs of a fear of intimacy?
- Hyper-judgementalism: you find it very easy to find flaws in others & nit-pick them in your mind
- Labelling: words like "Narcissist", "Fboy", "S1ut" and "Needy" come easily to you when thinking/talking about other people.
- Mistrust: there's a part of you that agrees with statements like "Men cannot be trusted" or "Women cannot be trusted".
- Avoidance: You find ways to keep a distance between you and romantic partners - staying busy, endless projects, superficial friendships, surface-level relationships
- Pedastalling: You only like people who seem like the best thing in the world (until they become the worst thing in the world).
- Blame: You consistently date people who disappoint you, which gives you reasons to blame others for the lack of love in your life
All of these things, in various ways, act as buffers to keep us safe from the vulnerability of intimacy. (Our brains are very good at keeping us safe).
Having a fear of closeness & intimacy is more common than most people would ever think.
It's also completely understandable.
Why?
Intimacy is one of the most vulnerable things -
To be that close to someone means opening yourself up to being hurt, smothered, disappointed and betrayed.
As much as we may want it consciously... there's often subconscious parts of us that are also simulatenously afraid of it.
For most my life, as a result of my childhood experiences, my brain associated connection with these things:
Rejection. Not allowed to be myself. Shame. Abandonment. Inconsistency. Fear. Neglect.
Ofcourse I would be afraid of that.
So what's the solution?
In one word, the solution is SAFETY.
We have to find ways to feel that intimacy is safe - not just consciously, but especially subconsciously.
That's when everything changes -
When you feel safe enough to connect on a deep level, to allow yourself to be truly seen, to be loved for who you are, to be accepted deeply and fully by another person...
This is when you can really feel the magic of connection fill up your life in the most beautiful way.
This is what changed my life and what I now do with my clients: I use powerful and unique processes to help them to feel safe so their fears are no longer controlling their lives - so they can open up to the light of love and all the beautiful things that connection has to offer them.
If you think there could be a part of you that is also afraid of intimacy & you are interested in being supported to open up to the fullness of intimacy and love, then send me a message now to book a Free 30-Minute Consult with me so we can talk about what the pathway there could look like for you.
- Serdar Hararovich
---
* How To Attract An Integrated, Secure Man *
Conscious relationship is a collaboration.
Sometimes we can bring an energy into our connections which is the opposite of the collaborative energy required to cultivate the deep & loving partnership we yearn for.
This happens with many men, however this post is specifically for women who relate with men.
What do some women unintentionally bring into their dating & relating that often sadly ends up blocking what they most desire?
- Resentment from past disappointments
- Adversarial mistrust from past betrayals
- Past wounds projected onto this new person
- Expectations based on fantasies which objectify the new love interest
- Lack of curiosity but lots of assumptions
- Inauthentic behaviours which come from bad advice (for example, acting more submissive or passive in order to be “feminine” as taught by some coaches).
All of these things can and often do prevent healthy intimacy from unfolding.
Discerning men can pick up on this stuff quickly, and the more emotionally healthy ones simply stay away when they perceive this - or they end up leaving quickly.
Then you might find yourself looking around asking, “Where are all the good/conscious men at?”
That might sound brutal, but this is not to make anyone feel guilty.
All of this resentment, mistrust and wounding arises from experiences which deserve compassion, validation and support.
All human beings deserve and can experience secure love regardless of their past experiences.
We need connection, and we need one another to thrive.
Yet the truth is many men and women have been deeply hurt by one another.
We all carry wounds to varying degrees.
This is not about being perfectly healed, it’s about the quality of the work we are doing.
The people who are most successful in overcoming the patterns of the past are often the ones who decide "I'm going to get proper support, so that my past doesn't keep over-shadowing my present."
Meanwhile many other people hold this mentality:
"I don't need support, I've already done the work. I have my friends, and my future partner should just accept me as I am. He will hold space for my wounds (as if he's a therapist). If you can't accept me at my worst, you just don't deserve me."
Unfortunately it usually doesn't work that way.
At least not with a man who's operating at a different level of emotional intelligence and has good boundaries, who isn't just looking for a woman to look good next to him or for instant gratification, and is therefore willing to put up with just about anything to get it.
To a man like that, yes, you may be able to get away with doing some tantric retreats and embodiment workshops.
As long as he finds you attractive, anything goes.
If however, you do want an aligned partner who you connect with on a deeper level, there's a different standard - he's seeing how much time and energy you have dedicated to doing what is required to show up to intimacy at a higher level of emotional maturity.
He’s feeling how present you are with who he is - vs your projections of him.
He’s noticing how authentically you communicate with him - vs how much you withhold from him.
He's noticing how much you communicate your desires - vs expect him to live up to unspoken expectations.
He’s seeing how much you appreciate him, vs make him wrong for the wrongs of other men.
He likely is on purpose and serving his vision for his life, and as devoted and committed as he is to partnership, and ready to give everything he has - he doesn't have time to be his partner's relationship coach, and nor would it be healthy even if he did.
That would be classic codependency - and yes, some men would LOVE to play out this kind of dysfunction with you, if it means he at least gets his basic needs met.
That’s partly why you get so many turbulent connections within the conscious community.
Ultimately, many people will ignore all this because it’s too uncomfortable to hear, and that’s ok. Feel free to continue looking for what you are looking for elsewhere.
My work is not for everyone. There’s enough people who’s business model and income is based on telling people what they want to hear.
My work is for men and women who are ready to take total ownership of their life, because that’s how we take our power back from all these unhealthy cycles - the codependency, the push/pull and the cycles of blame, shame and adversarial mistrust.
As we move away from the fantasy land of Twin Flames and the repackaged 19th century gender roles of Polarity,
There’s a new paradigm of love and authentic intimacy opening up, and it’s the people who are most committed to doing this beautiful and rewarding work who are reaping the rewards.
There’s nothing as enriching, stabilising and nourishing as authentic, safe, vulnerable intimacy. The kind where you feel truly seen, heard and loved for who you really are.
For some men and women, this is literally something they have never fully experienced before, so it’s hard to even recognise what sort of person could offer that.
When our compass is off, we easily end up with the wrong people.
To support people in experiencing the kind of love that transformed my life - that’s a privilege for me and why I love doing what I do.
If you are interested in the support I offer and want to invest in a process that is compassionate yet clear, powerful yet grounded, and effective yet accessible - then send me a message now to book a discovery call with me.